The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview With God (Oops, i mean Jake La Botz)

Jake La Botz 01 by Celeste E Hall

Jake La Botz by Celeste E Hall

Jake La Botz: True Bluesman

From the juiced-box: Jake La Botz – Hard To Love What You Kill (from the album I’m A Crow)

[Press ‘Play’ to hear how it all started]

First off, i gotta apologize to Jake for the title of this interview. In his defense, i’m sure that (humble sweet genius that he is), “My Interview with God” is likely to strike him as a little over the top. In my defense, “over the top” is my zone.

In my Booze Revooze of On The Road i told the story of how this interview came about, which is i heard a killer song during the film’s end credits and frantically scribbled down the lyrics (“It’s hard, hard, hard to love what you kill”) and ran home find out the conjurer of this dark magic. It wasn’t easy and i was amazed 1) that Jake La Botz isn’t more popular than bacon Jesus and 2) i’d never heard of him because this is exactly the kind of music that echoes in my soul when i’m better than i know how to be.

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Dregs 2012-03-10

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

How ’bout a little shot of Sheriff: Dave Sheriff – My Friend Jack (Daniels)

[Press ‘Play’ for some of that country lovin’]

Commoner Dregs

Hunk of Beer

What’s the survival food of choice in the Alaskan wilderness? Fuck if i know, but the funnest has got to be beer.

There was a guy stranded in the snow in Alaska and he needed help so he helped himself to the beer and the fact that it wasn’t real beer but Coors Light is beside the point so stop your hating and beer snobbery.

Clifton Vial was driving in Alaska, of all God forsaken places and i don’t mean warm Alaska, but the real Alaska—Nome, Alaska where the men are men and the women are frigid. So he gets his ass and the rest of him stuck in a snowbank there was no withdrawing from so he hunkered down in his jeans, tennis shoes and $30 Sears jacket which is apparently what they wear in Alaska in the middle of winter… if they’re drunk.

Vial-gra didn’t have any food or water or beer, but he did have some Coors Light that he ate by cutting the lids off and digging the frozen food out with a knife. He’d start the truck for some heat and listen to Pink Floyd’s “Echoes” until he was rescued 60 hours later which, when i think about, it is not all that impressive because i survived on cheap beer and Pink Floyd for 4 years in university.

Jack Asses

Jack Daniels, the good ol’ boys bourbon, took “brand” marketing to a whole new level when they decided to give away free branding irons with their product. The race to see which ass was the dumbest was won by three WAmen (that’d be Western Australia men—Western Australia: where the men are men and the women are, too) who had to go to the hospital for skin grafts to replace the skin they lost when they charred off their whiskey soaked flesh with scorching hot metal.

[Break for another classic shot: David Allan Coe – Jack Daniels If You Please

If simpletons live simple lives i would love to be as simple as the minds that came up with the cam-pain to include a branding iron as a free gift with a bottle of whiskey. Look for Absolut to match this flash of brilliance by giving away loaded revolvers with every fifth and Bacardi rum to actually include opened switch blades inside each bottle of rum. Not to be outdone, Mike’s Hard Lemonade will now have a tool to remove panties automatically and Pabst Blue Ribbon with have a tattoo kit packaged in each case of beer.

[There’s more JD shots rattling around in my drawers down below.]

Recovery? Drop It!

Wine Bottle Forest LSD Cures AlcoholismBrother Wayne posted on my Facebook page at the same time a recovery artist posted a blog about the good news: There is a cure for alcoholism.

The even better news? That the cure is LSD.

i’m looking forward to a day in the near future when i will get a prescription from the Spin Doctor and go on a Trip to the Drug store to pick up my Doses of Self Medication.

Thinking about it, however, I shouldn’t be that surprised that acid cures alcoholism. Drinkers use alcohol to escape from the perceived troubles of day to day life and so controlled substances would do that trick too. A strong/deep heroin addiction would probably wean an alkie off the bottle just as efficiently.

Here are some other cures for alcoholism:

  • Suicide / Drunk driving
  • Sewing your mouth shut
  • Surgically removing your hands
  • Chaining yourself to a hospital bed
  • Living with camels in the desert
  • Cooking your brain with excessive electro shock therapy until you become a fried vegetable
  • Going to Alcoholics Anonymous

Sure the last one isn’t as sexy because you’re not replacing one addiction with a better (worse?) one. Instead you’re asking the sick person to actually do something to permanently improve their own lives in every area and not just with booze but also professionally and personally and with their relationships and outlook on the future and the way they feel about themselves. But who wants to do something to get better when something can be done to you? Teach a man to trip and he’ll be high on life but give a man a trip and he’ll be high all night, which is all he thinks he wants anyway.

LSD Cures Alcoholism

[Yes, the above two shots are original Al K Hall shots.]

Bar None Dregs

March 9, 2012: Oooo la la

i got the following comment in my Self-Unemployed Photos section:

Dear Al K Hall, I’m clip researcher for french TV channel M6 and looking for the author of photos of Radcliffe in the Bar None published on their web site. Is that you ?
We’d like to use them in our report to illustrate Radcliffe’s interview on that “partying period. What would be your conditions ?
Thank you for your answer …

So she’s cutting me a check for $7,000! Just kidding, i told her i didn’t own the rights and that the Bar None was too good to exist in real life but that she could interview me as an expert because i get around 4,000 hits/day here and that makes me an expert on something. Plus she’d have to give me 1st Class accommodations to France, but i told her i’d learn French. i’ll let you know when to set your Tivos for.

March 10, 2012: Where in the World?

It’s been a while since we hung out like this, huh? It’s nice to take a break and put my feet up and jaw a bit with y’all like in the old days when i was drunk and you were a virgin.

First off, i’d like to throw up a big thanks to everyone who checked me out on February 27, 2012, Oscar night. 7,098 hits is my new record and i couldn’t have done it without you. Or at least without those 7,098 people. Thanks for patronizing me, kids.

Also just to let you know WordPress has started this new thing where they give me stats about where in the world my patronizers are from and i thought some of you bloggers out there might be interested to see my stats for the last 30 days.

If you’re curious, click on the shot right there –> to learn the Top Ten Countries with a taste for my brand of poison are:

  1. The United States (30,829 hits last month)
  2. The United Kingdom
  3. France (must be because i’m an expert there)
  4. Canada
  5. Germany
  6. India
  7. Italy
  8. Mexico
  9. Australia (because The Rod came here 964 times last month)
  10. Brazil

My all time favorite, though, are those 10 lost souls who got even loster when they stumbled into the Bar None from…Yemen! We Yeawomen and Yeamen of the Bar None salute you.

Enough of my babbling, let’s get your hands deep in my drawers. As usual, there are also a handful of shots for those of you who prefer the hairier sex to the fairer one.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Jack Asses

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

LSD Cures Alcoholism (another Al K Hall concoction)

LSD Cures Alcoholism

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Self Unemployed: A Chalk Outline of His Former Self

Press ‘Play’ for some appropriate tuneage: Janis Joplin – Mercedes Benz

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town?

I’m counting on you, Lord, please don’t let me down.

Prove that you love me and buy the next round.

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town?

Here’s the latest photo i’ve added to my Self Unemployed: Help Wanted page.

A Chalk Outline of His Former Self

Bar None Dregs

i  forgot to mention a few weeks back that The Rod did me the great honor of posting some of my shit up over at Fernby Films even though i wrote it. It’s all about the Matrix Spillogy and is s’posed to be funny. Well, as funny as i get. Thanks, Rodney, for the place to show my goods. (That’s what Rhys Meyers said.)

Self Unemployed: Ghost of the Exploding Drunk

Press ‘Play’ for some appropriate tuneage: Black Label Society – 13 Years of Grief (from the killer album Skullage). Lyrics at the bottom of the post, yo.

Here’s the latest photo i’ve added to my Self Unemployed: Help Wanted page. i came across it on my way to work the other day and didn’t realize how brutal it truly was until i came back home and started playing with it. i’ve included a couple alternate versions as well.

Bar None Dregs

Just a little update on my sobriety. Since the Incident That Shall Not Be Named (the one where i got drunk, took massive amounts of pills to kill myself and spent 2 weeks in the hospital—but you didn’t hear it from me), i quit drinking and smoking. With cigarettes costing as much as they do now, i can’t afford to smoke and with drinking doing what it does to me, i can’t really afford to do that anymore either. May 11, 2011 was my 4 month sobriety day, s’what i’m saying.

In related news, i’ve changed the bio that pops up at the bottom of every post to reflect this new state of being me. i no longer refer to myself as “a functioning alcoholic (meaning i’ve held the same job for 17 years and have been living with Miss Demeanor for over a year now…)”, but have switched it to: “a non-practicing alcoholic (if after 30 years of practicing, you still can’t do something well, it’s best to just give it up)”. Plus, it’ll be 3 years come June for Miss D and i.

Thanks for still coming by even if i’m not cool anymore ’cause i don’t drink.

Just kidding, you and i both know i’m cooler than ever and i’ve got the goods to prove it.

“13 Years of Grief” by The Black Label Society off Skullage

Looking at the words, i think i musta confused the lyrics and thought he was saying “13 Years of Drinking”. Oh well, i’ll keep it here anyway because it’s still pretty fitting.

You’re so fuckin’ tough, so motherfuckin’ bad.
13 Years Of Grief, is all your folks ever had.
Just and ignorant cunt, talking such shit.
Tryin’ to act act like a man,
You little fuckin’ punk kid.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Day of court, day of fear, in walks the judge.
Half a year, nothing less. No he wouldn’t budge.
Hand over your belongins, and your motherfuckin’ soul.
That’s the joy of life,
Six months in the hole.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
(solo)
You wrecked your mother, yeah you beat her down.
Teachers can’t protect you, when your friends are ’round.
What’s so tough, so motherfuckin’ bad.
13 Years Of Grief, is all your folks ever had.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now