Breaking Dawn 2 Poster Bar None Booze Revooze

From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Rob Pattinson – It’s All On You

[Press ‘Play’ for something far too genuine for Twilight]

Breaking Dawn 2 Bar None Booze Revooze

Here’s the mandatory cell phone shots as proof

Yeppers, the date on the poster is 11/16/12 and here i am posting this on 11/14/12 because we got this in Yeaman on Wednesday. Don’t be hating, rather be thanking me for sacrificing myself by seeing this before you so i can warn you away shouting “Save Yourselves!” while i try to wash the shit from my stinking eyes.

Ramblings: Breaking Down

Final Proof: 1 ½ Shots

1 & 1-2 shot bar none booze revooze

You know how you you get drunk at Applebees? You’re surrounded not by cliche’s but by imitation cliches printed up in some factory in Boonies, Iowa and the beer tastes like beer but the buzz doesn’t feel like drunk rather like whatever the opposite of motion sickness is like stagnation sickness or demotion sickness because Applebees doesn’t go anywhere and makes you feel lower than when you started like fake snow just sitting at the bottom of a cheap plastic snow globe waiting for something to shake it up and make things happen but you can keep waiting because the waitresses keep changing and you can’t find any consistency beyond the sissy mocktails that keep appearing in front of you refusing to get you off like the hostess in her fake uniform standing not like a clone but like a robot of a clone. In the end the drama is as hollow as the cheap snow globe and the love is as sincere as the smile of an aging waitress stuck in the middle of her second shift. That’s what Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 2) reeks of.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“You just marked your territory on my leg, asshole.”

To be fair, i knew i wasn’t gonna like Twilight: BD 2 even before i went. To be super fair, i hated it even worse than i thought i ever could and to be super fucking fair they didn’t have to make it so goddamn easy to hate it.

Seriously, they didn’t even try to live up to the previous episodes. i felt like i was humping a prostitute whose makeup was rapidly disintegrating and she’d stopped caring long before i did and she already had my money so she wasn’t even going to pretend to try, just lie there and wait for it all to end. Which reminds me of the ending to this movie and i’m not going to give away any spoilers here but What The Hell, people? i don’t know if the ending of the book is the same of the movie but oh my god, if the book ended the same way i don’t get why teens all over the nation didn’t band together and burn Stephanie Meyer at the stake with a bonfire built of the last pages of this flaming shit.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 02 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

A Better End

Was it really so bad? No, of course not…it was way fucking worse than that. Take the special effects. The effects were ‘special’ all right, short bus, safety leash, drool cup special. Who knew you could do CGI with a kindergarten pencil? You know what they CGIed here, because i’m gonna tell you right now. They CGIed the fucking baby and made it look like a monkey in a dress with Steve Buscemi’s face.

What else was bad? i can’t say the acting was bad—because there wasn’t any acting. It was just a bunch of interchangeable people standing around looking at each other and pouting. There was already no content to the story so they took this concept about as rich as decaf airplane tea and watered it down to make it last 2 hours. i’d like to say the script was bad, so i will. The script was fucking horrible with jokes that fell flat, inconsistencies and what the fucks aplenty, and characters who appear and disappear for no reason.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 03 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“That’s right, Renesmee, slap mommy again. She was a bad mommy who did the nasty with the bad director.”

Here’s what i hope. i hope at least one person reading this is offended and pissed off and leaves a comment full of venom and vitriol [it must me a word, spell check didn’t flag it] defending this movie because i would love to see what anyone can see in this movie. Please, i’m begging you here people, one fucking redeemable quality, that’s all i ask.

Speaking of redeemable qualities, Dakota Fanning is now officially 18 but i think some of the shots floating to the bottom of the barrel online are still of her underage so i prefer to card her here and i’ll make more of an effort to find sexy pics for next time. Nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None.

Dakota Fanning 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Sure, the women here are very attractive and they stay that way until their pert little lips slowly part and the insipid comments and flat voices fall out of their mouths like a dead tongue wanting to be french kissed.

We might as well start off with Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan dive) who shows some of her bare back and kind of rapes Rob Pattinson with her super human vampire strength in a scene that probably isn’t too far from reality and goes a long way towards explaining why Rupert Sanders ended up her huntsman. Here’s some happy hunting, to be sure. Let us prey.

Kristen Stewart 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Kristen Stewart Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i got more single shots of Kristen in my drawers, down at the bottom. All you gotta do is click on the “Read More” link at the end of the review to open up that can of worm.

The coolest actress in this one by far was Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen) who is one sexy badass. Unfortunately, she’s absent for most of the movie and when you see the whole movie you understand why her character chose to flee at the beginning. Here’s what you missed.

Ashley Greene 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Ashley Greene Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There are single shots of her in my drawers as well, at the end of the review.

Speaking of underused as a tampon in a Vampire’s bathroom, the ultimate Maggie Grace soaked up the screen while she filled it, but was discarded far to quickly and easily for my taste. Here’s something more lingering for you to savor.

Maggie Grace 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Maggie Grace Bar None Booze Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

More shots of her in my drawers as well. What can i say, i have busy drawers tonight.

Silken Butterflies

There were several ladies who lit up the screen and my only complaint about them is that they weren’t up there more than they were.

For example, there was Casey LaBow as Kate.

Casey LaBow 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Angela Sarafyan as Tia:

Angela Sarafyan 01 in the Bar None Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Angela Sarafyan 01 in the Bar None

And the stunning Christie Burke as “Renesmee (Young Woman)”

Christie Burke 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

For those of you more into the pricks than the sucking, Jacob (Taylor Lautner) hooks up with Renesmee which is weird enough when you think he spends half his life as a where wolf, but what’s even worse is that he “imprints” on her when she’s just born. Wow. i’m pretty sure imprinting on chicks without consent is against the law in every state except Alaska because they grow ’em different up there but jesus, imprinting on a minor? On a baby minor?!

Taylor Lautner 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Are you understanding me, people? In this story, a giant dog falls in love with a newborn. Can you wrap your head around this? It’s fucking pedo-bestaility and this movie is rated PG-13? Where i come from this a special kind of sick and the only kind of punishment cruel and unusual enough for that shit is to make the guilty partiers watch Twilight Breaking Down (Part 2) in a loop.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 04 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“Please stop imprinting on me Uncle Jacob. It’s creepy and leaves stains on my dress.”

To punish Taylor, i’m posting a wallpaper of him with not just a shirt on, but a whole suit. You know what Taylor Lautner can do to a suit? Make it look pretty fucking ridiculous.

Taylor Lautner Suit Up Taylor Lautner 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Taylor Lautner Suit Up Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Last on my least is Robert Pattinson who i feel for. Really. OK, so he can’t act, no one else in this movie can anyway. More importantly, he’s young and handsome and his hot girlfriend cheated on him in front of the whole world. It’s bad enough to be humiliated but to be humiliated on a global level…for your shame to go viral, man, that’s a new brand of suck for you to deal with. Plus, he’s so confused he even took her back which just means it’s going to happen again. Trust me. i know. It. Will. Happen. Again. Poor bastard. And he’s such a talented mother fucker as well and if you don’t believe me just go up and listen to the song i posted at the beginning of this post that you didn’t listen to when you had the chance and you should’ve. Poor bastard.

Robert Pattinson 01 Musician Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Robert Pattinson Musician Bar None Wallpaper

Robert Pattinson Musician Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i got some drunk shots of him floating in my drawers, as well.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • J Jenks drinks whiskey in a Seattle restaurant
  • Dad drinks beer while opening presents

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

i almost could’ve gone ½ shot on this but the fight scene at the end was the least boring scene and then they even rip that out from under you.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 05 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“I can beat you with one hand stuck up my ass.”

Here’s how Rock and Roll this movie was. Bella’s first kill as a vampire: She renounces a human kill for a deer—already very tame—but then she attacks a cougar that is jumping to attack the deer. Yes. The only time we see her feed in the whole movie is when she’s saving a deer’s life.

The least bad song of the movie is “The Forgotten” by Green Day.

There was also a nice song i can’t find a good copy of online called “All I’ve Ever Needed” by Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed (who also plays Rosalie Hale in the film).

Boring Technical Crap

Twilight Book Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze RevoozeWritten by:

Stephenie Meyer(novel Breaking Dawn)
Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay)

Directed by: Bill Condon


Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Maggie Grace – Irina
Dakota Fanning – Jane
Andrea Powell – Sasha
Casey LaBow – Kate
Angela Sarafyan – Tia
Christie Burke – Renesmee (Young Woman)
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

Never. Don’t you ever. Don’t you dare.

Breaking Dawn 1 Poster Bar None Booze Revooze

Click to Read My Slaughter of Breaking Dawn Part 1

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Put a stake through the heart of this post ’cause it’s dead and gone. All that’s left is the pretty pictures of the actors and actresses. Click on the “Continue Reading” link to see what that’s like.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN (pt 1)

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz – Cold

So, as you can see from the following shots and the date of this post…i saw this before the release date in the States. So i win. Or lose, depending on how much a Twinklite you are. Here’s the requisite proof that i busted a movie on your asses.

Ramblings: Twilite: Breaking Down

Final Proof: 1½ shots or 5 shots


You know how you get drunk in a bar where there are a coven of teenage girls who are too loud to be pitied and too selfish to be forgiven? We are all extras in their show, cast aways like broken cocktail umbrellas they have snapped with callous flicks of their fingers. If you are a were-bitch in that pack the bar is yours, but for us by-sitters your presence is a thing to be ignored or avoided completely if at all possible. i would be more forgiving if they were first timers and didn’t know any better about how to act when making the scene, but the fact is they are repeat offenders and insist on coming back and coming back and coming back and each time they act worse. This is the kind of bitter reflux anger i felt watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn (part 1).

i cannot tell you how much i loved this movie. i cannot tell you this because i didn’t love it. i can tell you all about how much i didn’t like it though.

Plus this isn’t even me just being better than the movie. Breaking Wind just isn’t that well made. The script lags, there’s no real action, no real characterization, no real character development, the narrative arc is flat and all those other super technical movie terms are lame too. Proof, when i saw the move, there were a lot of Twink-lites in the cinema and they applauded when it was over, as any self respecting Twinklite will unless they’re having their first period or their training bra is loose and slipping around inside their shirts. They clapped at the end yes, but they also laughed out loud at two scenes in the movie. This tells me that they came expecting to love the movie as much as i came expecting to hate on it and so, no matter what preconceptions we entered the movie with, what we saw could not shake us from our opinion.

Unless—and just the fantasy of this is enough to make my wood chuck something higher than Christina Aguilera snorting beer yeast—unless maybe the movie is the most subtle comedy of all time ever since the creation of the universe. Remember how everyone knew that Joaquin Phoenix wasn’t really a rap star? What if Twilight is that same kind of dark farce, only good, and we’re meant to be laughing at it? Maybe it’s a wry social commentary and 5 years after the last episode is thrown upon us like fruity cocktails from a freshly washed debutante’s dirty mouth, the producers and the directors come out and tell us that it was all a massive joke and even one or two of the stars commit suicide because they’d believed this shit all along. Well, if that ever happens, Barmaids and Beerhounds, you remember what i said right here and now. Anyway, that’s why maybe i gave this movie 5 shots because maybe it’s a comedy and if it is…holy wow shit.

You know how i know it’s Twilight?

  • Robert Pattinson wears more makeup than Kristen Stewart throughout the entire movie
  • It takes only 10 seconds into the movie for Taylor Lautner to remove his shirt
  • You can never ever have enough dream sequences
  • Bella drinks blood through a straw from a styrofoam cup
  • The wedding is more boring than the stranger’s wedding your bed buddy dragged you to
  • Edward and Bella play chess on their honeymoon. A lot.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 shot

“Just hurry up and get it over with.”

Not only are the boys sexier than the girls in this thing, but the director makes a concentrated effort to de-sexify Kristen Stewart. How wrong is that? Used to be us Twi-bites could go to these brain wrecks knowing that despite how atrocious the whole thing was, we could find small solace in knowing that at least we could look at hot babes for a couple hours. You know what we get for 2 hours here? Check it.

Whatever. Here’s a brief rundown of my notes:

  • The Wedding Kiss: Not so much kissing as tongue fucking each other’s faces
  • Titty blocking. Kristen Stewart’s boobs are hidden by sheets, water and cut off by the screen. Oh yeah, there’s a lot of vampire titty blocking going on as well.
  • Ooh, there is one scene when we get to see some side boob and maybe even a peak at a nipple. Not worth buying the Blu-ray for. It’ll probably look like a little like this:

Speaking of dry humping, let’s start off with a look at a drunken Nikki Reed who played Rosalie Hale and should never go blonde in real life. Here’s what Nikki means when she says she’s going to get a hold of Robert Pattinson.

Nikki Reed Drunk and Horny in the Bar None

So here’s Nikki Reed (23) looking a lot better as a natural brunette than the fake blonde crap they slopped her in for the movie.

There’s a lot more drawer shots of her down there below.

As long as we’re on Kristen Stewart (21)…she was hot in a white bikini but after that she stayed butt ugly for the rest of this movie. Like we go to a movie like this to see her act, right? Unbelievable. If you want Kristin Stewart hot, don’t go to the movie—come here instead.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There are tons of shots of her filling my drawers down there, as well.

Ashley Greene (24) plays Edward’s something and so she wants to help Bella do something. She can read people’s minds, except when it matters. The couldn’t dye her hair blonde to make her ugly because they already did that with Nikki Reed. They couldn’t make her look anoregnant because they already did that with Kristen Stewart. What did they find to ugly her up? A hair cut that looks like it was styled by a garbage disposal. This collage is tons better.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Keep scrolling down with your index finger until you reach my drawers.

Anna Kendrick (26) appeared in the film only long enough to make a toast at the wedding and then she took off to still have a career. Other than the drawer shots down below, i’ve got this one of Anna in the Bar None with Robert Pattinson who really licks her a lot.

Also, we can’t forget Maggie “State of” Grace (28) from Lost (she was the blonde socialite Ginger-esque babe) and now Twilight. i’m not saying she didn’t make an impression, but i wouldn’t be surprised to learn she wasn’t really in this. Here’s something that will certainly stick in your memory and other things longer than her role in the film.

i got some shots at the bottom of my drawers.

Silken Butterflies

Unknown and underused is the lovely MyAnna Buring (27) as Tanya Denali. Let me give you an idea of why My Anna is Buring.

For those of you who bat for Team Ed Woody and not Team Bell-ass, here’s some sparkly candy for ya.

Taylor Lautner (19) hungover…

and Robert Pattinson (25) drunk

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

If you want the hot shots, you’re gonna have to scroll down to where Pattinson hangs out in my drawers.

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

Yeah, like there’s gonna be any kind of serious drinking in this thing. At least there was some champagne swilling at the wedding. And some pretty ridiculous toasts because they have more romance in almost any random episode of Friends than in Breaking Wind (fart 1). Which, in fact, is why i gave this section half a shot because check out this toast from one of the vampire bros:

I hope you got enough sleep for 18 years because you won’t get any more.

See what i mean about the movie being a very subtle comedy?

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Going back to the comedy, though.

The werewolves have a conversation in human language when they’re wolves and their mouths don’t even move. That cracked me up, but not as much as Edward putting his hand on Bella’s pregnant belly and telling her what the baby was saying. That’s the one that convinced me this whole series of movies is the most intellectual satire ever made.

But the rock and roll? Lol, yeah, not much of that.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Stephenie Meyer (novel Breaking Dawn) and Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay)

Directed by: Bill Condon


Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Anna Kendrick – Jessica
Nikki Reed – Rosalie Hale
Maggie Grace – Irina Denali
MyAnna Buring – Tanya Denali
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

If you can look on this as an intellectual comedy, you’ll love it. If you took the first couple installments seriously, you’ll be disappointed by this one but not enough to tell yourself the truth about how truly awful it is.

Breaking Dawn 2 Bar None Booze Revooze

Click to Read My Slaughter of Breaking Dawn Part 2

Only drawer shots after this. No more wit.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of ECLIPSE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Black Keys – Chop And Chan

Ramblings: Twi-lite

"This is my Undecided pout."

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you go to get drunk at a high school party and not even one thrown by cool kids whose parents are out of town but by some Christian kid in his basement where his parents promise to stay upstairs? You hope at least the punch is packing but it’s not spiked because of all the vampire wannabe’s, so there’s no booze and the only kind of action you get is sophomoric melodrama love triangles that are pointless because none of the sides are even dry humping each other. The only sex in the party is french kissing without the added touch of heavy petting and you are so far beyond these dweebs in every thought you’ve ever had, ever drink you’ve ever drunk, everything you’ve ever done that you know before you go that you have no business inflicting yourself on their poor saved souls. So yeah, Twilight: Eclipse is kinda like that sad high school party.

What do you want me to tell you? This movie is like a pink lady or other girlie cocktail: not made for me. i will say i hated this one less than i hated the previous one, New Moon, but that’s paramount to saying getting stabbed in my left eye didn’t hurt as much as being stabbed in my right eye.

"This is my Horny pout."

i’m thinking i pretty much shouldn’t be allowed to review any movie that will be on the covers of notebooks in supermarket back-to-school sale bins. Or kiddie sheets—i definitely should not be permitted to critique any film that could spawn a sheet set for a toddler’s bed. i need to remember to stay with the kind movie that would make a good tat or that you could whack off to. Something like that.

There’s just nothing cool about this movie. Nothing. The sad thing is that it’s starting to deteriorate Kristen Stewart’s acting. She was pretty decent in Into The Wild and now this third installment of Twinklight is so sugar sappy sweet that’s it’s decaying her acting chops away to nothing.

"This is my Please Shoot Me pout."

You ever see a girl act with her pout? Unbelievable. It’s like, “Here’s my sexy pout. Here’s my sad pout. Here’s my angry pout. Here’s my favorite, it’s my incredulous pout and you’re gonna see it a lot because I can’t freaking believe all the attention this crap is giving me.”

i sure as hell can’t believe it, either.

Guess what. As Dakota Fanning is still too young to know better, i’m gonna have to card her here. Nothing age inappropriate in the Bar None, yo.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Plenty of hot girls, the only problem is none of them were doing anything hot, but then again, it wasn’t entirely their fault. For example, there’s one scene where Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are all alone in the house and lying on the bed and making out with all their clothes on and Bella starts begging Ed to drive his tube stake deep into her and….he says No. He takes a pass on that and stands up to leave.

Before we get any deeper into the sexy bits, here’s a song from the soundtrack to scroll by: Sia – My Love

One of the reasons i’m being generous with my rating here is that there were 5 times we got to see Kristen Stewart’s butt (which is 20-years-old) in jeans.

Can anyone tell me why her belt is on backwards? Is this like “hip” fashion?

Apart from that, the most we get out of Bella is a lot of kissing. She’s the kissing slut in the basement closet of this freshman party. Here’s a little more than that.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be more single shots of her served up in my drawers. Scroll down for that.

Still fiercely clinging to my metaphor, we got Jessica (Anna Kendrick) as the slow friend of the party. Jessica may be the class valedictorian, but it’s gotta be pretty easy to ace your senior year when, like Anna, you’re nearly 25.

There’s single shots of her held back in my drawers as well. This means Kristen Stewart and Anna Kendrick are hanging out in my drawers together, dawg.

The other main cutie in this bad boy is Ashley Greene (23), as Alice Cullen. As impressive as her acting talents is seeing her nipple poking all the way through her thick leather coat. That’s a skill they can’t teach in theater class.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Some more single shots of her are hanging with the rest at the bottom of my drawers.

i jotted down in my notes that Victoria was hotter in this movie than New Moon. Turns out my eye for the sexy is more finely attuned than we thought because putting this post together i found out they changed actresses. Last time we had Rachel Lefevre and they switched her out for Bryce Dallas Howard (29).

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Yep, still some more shots of her in the drawers.

Silken Butterflies

First off, we got Julia Jones (29) who does well in the role of smoldering Leah Clearwater; course “smoldering” is easy for her ’cause she’s smoking hot.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Second off, we got Monique Ganderton (29), stuntwoman and sexy civil war flashback vampire. She must be a good actress, she speaks with an accent and everything.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

For those of you more interested in stakes than hearts, we got Robert Pattinson (24) as Edward Cullen.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Here’s Rob in the Bar None.

Rob Pattinson after the Bar None

The only line that cracked me up in the movie (OK,  the only line that cracked me up and was meant to crack me up) was when Ed sees Jacob (Taylor Lautner–18) topless and says “Doesn’t he own a shirt?”

Click On It To Make It Grow

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • Bella’s dad drinks “R” beer [wtf?]
  • Some guys are drunk in an alley in a prohibition flashback
  • Negative points because there’s a high school graduation party and no one drinking alcohol. And you thought vampires hanging with werewolves wasn’t realistic…

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: ½ Shot

We got The Black Keys up above and we also got us some Florence & The Machine (who i actually first discovered in Jennifer’s Body). Apart from these two tunes, the soundtrack was pretty super lame. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this:

  1. Metric – Eclipse (All Yours)
  2. Muse – Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever)
  3. The Bravery – Ours
  4. Florence & The Machine – Heavy In Your Arms
  5. Sia – My Love
  6. Fanfarlo – Atlas
  7. Chop And Change – The Black Keys
  8. The Dead Weather – Rolling In On A Burning Tire
  9. Beck and Bat For Lashes – Let’s Get Lost
  10. Vampire Weekend – Jonathan Low
  11. Unkle  – With You In My Head (Feat. The Black Angels)
  12. Eastern Conference Champions – A Million Miles An Hour
  13. Band Of Horses – Life On Earth
  14. Cee Lo Green – What Part Of Forever
  15. Jacob’s Theme – Howard Shore

Anyway, here’s the Florence & The Machine tune:

There was some music that was not even close enough to rock to be included in the same sentence as the word “rock” at the high school graduation party.

There was also some music not as pop as the rest of the pop during the scene where southern accent vampire teaches everyone how to fight newborn vampires.

As for rock and roll action, there was a fight scene with vampires and werewolves against baby (“newborn”) vampires. Cool enough but way too short.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stephenie Meyer – Novel

Melissa Rosenberg – Screenplay

Directed by: David Slade


Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan

Dakota Fanning – Jane

Anna Kendrick – Jessica

Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen

Bryce Dallas Howard – Victoria

Julia Jones – Leah Clearwater

Monique Ganderton – Beautiful Vampiress

Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen

Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

Don’t see it unless you’re a fourteen-year-old church youth group member, or trying to impress one.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Kristen Stewart (20)

Kristen Stewart in the Bar None

Anna Kendrick (24)

Ashley Greene (23)

Ashley Greene in the Bar None

Bryce Dallas Howard (29)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Dregs Of the Weeks: March 01 – March 21

Click On The Image For A Walllpaper

Three weeks of dregs building up and i’m getting beer balls. It’s getting a little thick in The Bar None, let me tell you. Hanging out in the bottom of this barrel of fun, we got a Warrant warrant, a home wrecker who takes “I’m coming” literally, a guy too drunk for his DUI trial, a Flales Wanker, Canadian shots, a Canadian spread, vintage Lohan getting Ricci, “Twit-light” Pattinson lit up and oh so much more…

From the juiced-box and in honor of Jani “It’s My Name I’m Really A Guy” Lane’s appearance in the Celebrity Dregs, i give you: Warrant – Cherry Pie

[Press ‘Play’ To Try The Pie]

March 15: Could Be Worse, You Could Be The Husband Saw the above screen shot and it made me think of y’all. My question is, why does she have the Jail number blocked?

March 12: i’d Want To Be Drunk, Too

Speaking of Multiple Car Accidents… Jason Botos, this 30-year-old in Nebraska, was driving while soberly challenged last September. Apparently his car jumped a curb and hit 5 cars (and here i am wondering what the hell the cars were doing on the sidewalk to begin with). Anyway, his sentencing was a couple weeks ago and he was soberly challenged again and who can blame him? For sure i’m gonna get me some liquid clemency before i go up in front of the judge. Botos’ dad drove him to the courthouse and had to find some cops to help him get Jason out of the car ’cause that’s how drunk the dude was. He was arrested in the parking lot ’cause he couldn’t walk to the pokey and clocked in at 0.43% on the BAC test—this week’s high. Some days you just don’t ever want to wake up sober again.

Mug Shot - Jason Botos

March 10: An Honest Drunk

If your name is Slaughter, you pro’lly don’t want to drive drunk. And if you do, you probably don’t want to swerve back and forth between the lanes and cross the yellow line next to the median. On an interstate. While going 20 mph. Tommy W Slaughter did and, because he was hammered, he got nailed. Another tip no matter what your name is: it looks bad when, after the cops pull you over, you forget to put the car in park before you get out of the vehicle and it starts to roll away. All of this and more happened to Tommy W Slaughter (57) who was surprised to be stopped by Tennessee police—surprised because he thought he was in Virginia. When the officers asked him how much he’d had to drink, he said, “Too much. I’m drunk. Do what you gotta do.” So the police asked him to take a field sobriety test. “I”m drunk,” was all he said. A breath test? “I’m drunk.” What about a blood test? “I’m drunk.” Apparently the law finally believed him because they busted him for DUI and “violation of implied consent” (which is a charge i’m gonna start imposing on babes in the bar who reject me). Oh yeah, the corker? This was his tenth offense. Babe, if at first you don’t succeed, drink, drink again—while you wait for a cab.

Mug Shot - Tommy W Slaughter

March 2: A Flales Wanker—uhm, Wales Flanker—Gets What’s Coming

BTW, ’cause i know you’re dying to know, the “Flales Wanker/Wales Flanker” thing is called a Spoonerism. Swear to god, look it up.

This Welsh rugby guy was also busted for driving slow on a “motorway slip road”. It’s hard enough driving on the wrong side of the road like they do over there, but to do it while drunk? And in a golf cart? On something called a “motorway slip road” when no one even knows what the hell that is? Madness, i tell you, sheer madness. The rugby guy got his license suspended for 15 months, was  fined £1000 and was booted from the team. There’s only one kind of driving you should be doing with a golf cart, and it involves your wood and your balls.

Mug Shot - Andy Powell

March 2: “This Is Where I Get Off”

Speaking of driving and wood and balls, this guy in Lewiston, Idaho was driving when he decided to go all the way with the car…and the passenger. They were “participating in sexual activity” while he drove and i’m betting it involved trying to start his engine because when i drink it always takes my motor a few extra minutes to warm up. Regardless, all this was going on when he got off—the road. And crashed into a house, causing $50,000 damage to some couple’s kitchen. Man, talk about home wreckers…

March 11: Magic Bus

(Press ‘Play’ to get on The Magic Bus )

After Tommy Slaughter, now we got a babe with a roller derby name… Betty Burden. i’m pretty sure she was named after a Rolling Stone’s hit off of Some Girls. Whatever, Betty (54) got caught driving drunk on the job (her coworkers turned her in). Only problem is, Betty’s job is driving a school bus and when the Transportation Coordinator got on at her first stop, she was transporting a full load of elementary school kids. He didn’t smell booze on her breath but followed behind her with the cops, who eventually did pull her over, after she’d dropped off 50 of her charges. She blew 0.230% at the scene and 0.226% back at the station (click here for the BAC explained). She admitted to pounding a few screwdrivers and so was screwed: suspended without pay and arrested for DUI on a $10,000 bond.

Mug Shot - Betty Burden

March 10: The Naked Truth

‘Member Julie Laack from the Stripper Dregs i posted back in mid January? Well, her story was better than Irving Howard’s. Perv-ing took off to the bar barefoot and when he got called on it, he took off all his clothes and ran into the Ladies’ Room, pro’lly ’cause he’s a pussy. When the cops called him out, he screamed and ran out fists clenched, only to get tased. Twice. This explains the look on his face and his naked self in the mug shot…

Mug Shot - Irving Howard

March 24: $3.37 For A Beer?

Forget that Denis Danny Roberge (19) got busted stealing a beer and that he now has to go back to the clink for 60 days because he’s a repeat repeat offender. The thing that freaked me out was the beer cost $3.37! Even if you consider it’s Canadian dollars, that’s still a lot in real money… Aren’t 40’s a buck twenty or something? He must’ve chosen the good stuff because he was shoplifting to celebrate being released from jail, after 8 months served for theft.

March 19: More Canadian Silliness

Apparently some kid named Barack Obama read my Booze Revooze of Invictus after he got his ass elected President of the United States of America [and instantly there are so many CIA/FBI/INTERPOL/and other initials i can’t even spell cyber spies swarming onto this post that there’s an IT vacuum created over all of China]. Anyway, he saw how Morgan Freeman (pretending to be Nelson Mandela) won a booze bet with the President (or whatever) of New Zealand. Obama bet a case of beer on the US/Canada Olympic Hockey Game and lost when the U.S. team choked in overtime. In a very presidential move, Obama paid his DUIOU by sending a case of Molsons and a case of Yuengling, the ‘Bama’s favorite brew. The Canadians, being Canadian, promised to put it in the Hockey Hall Of Fame in Toronto. No, i’m not kidding.

"Drink It? HELL No! This Is Good For The Museum!"

Here are some Canadian chicks who weren’t afraid to drink the ‘water’:

Celebrity Dregs

March 5: Lindsay “Miss The Beat” Lohan

i’m back to lovin’ Lindsay again. Linds was in London at the beginning of the month and was a celebrity DJ in some club. But only for a minute. Seems she was so bad that it was embarrassing and, according to the party revealers, she constantly had a drink in her hand and was a “total drunken, incoherent mess.” Nice to have you back on the good side of The Bar None, babe.

March 09: Christina Ricci Drunk

In news so related it’s incestuous, Slohan showed up at the scene (a fashion week after-party in Paris) of another Crime Against Humanity. Before you pass judgement, check out the Crime Scene Photo-Collage:

Click On The Photo For Wallpaper

Why am i serving up drunken shots of Christina Ricci? OK, apart from the obvious reasons… Because Linds was there (see why she’s back in my good graces?), aids-ing and a-bedding like the best of accomplices. Here’s the proof:

So what do you think? Does Lohan feel guilty about Ricci’s loss of innocence? The jury may be out, but not nearly as much as Ricci Rich.

Speaking of her large assets, here’s a collage of Christina Ricci. There’ll be some individual shots hiding at the bottom, in my drawers.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

One final thing about Ricci because i’m drunk enough i can’t let this pass… If you’re reading this it means you know me by know (and if you don’t know me now, you will never never never know me, oooh ooh ooh) which means you know i’m more a fan of AAAs than D’s and i’m not talking about batteries. Point being, while Ricci is not my type, i love the huge mole she’s got in her cleavage because it’s kinda like the Holy Grail: once you got your hands on it, your quest has ended. But then she had to go and ruin it all but TATTOOING her tit! Auugghh!

There is no madness equal to the insanity of tattooing or piercing a female breast. The Goddess, in her infinite wisdom, gave us humans the embodiment of the ideal, of heaven here on this earth in the form of the female breast and some infidels tamper with this breast-loved symbol, thinking they can improve on perfection. Yet in doing so, they debase it. They make it mundane. Sorry to wax so poetic on y’all, but talkig about hooters hits me where i live. Check it out and tell me i’m wrong.

March 18: Twi-Light Weight

While i’m on drunk stars, Rob Pattinson got drunk. Seriously, why does it seem i’m the only one surprised by this? If i were him, i’d be drunk, like, all the freaking time.

And to think Lindsay Lohan was nowhere to be found…  Here’s a collage of the decadence for y’all::

i don’t mean to freak you out, but i’m gonna continue to maintain that Pattinson is a solid singer. In my defense, i offer offer up Exhibit A: Rob Pattinson – Never Think.

March 3: Warrant Warrant

Goes something like this. On May 18, 2009, ex-Warrant frontman goes on TV to talk about how he’s all clean and sober.

“It’s just a matter of deciding you’re done, in my opinion. I mean, that probably oversimplifies it, but really, really and truly you have to go, ‘You know what? I’m done with this. I don’t like feeling like this, I don’t like living like this.’ And it’s also nice to get the creativity back, which is impossible to flow when you’re unconscious.” [From Blabbermouth]

Then, on June 17, 2009, Jani got in a fender bender and turned out the boy was drunk, which got him arrested for DUI. Guess he did oversimplify after all. His trial was originally set for February 23, 2010 but Jani had other plans. He also stood up the judge on the makeup date, February 24th. Two no-shows for the showman who won’t show up meant a warrant for his arrest was issued at the beginning of the month.

Jani Lane Mug Shot

March 17: For Kiefer Sutherland, Every Day Is St Patrick’s Day

Here’s a shot of Kiefer and a bottle of whiskey, wishing all of us a happy St Pat’s.

Here’s a shot of Kiefer as a bottle of whiskey from last October, wishing us a happy St Pat’s.

March 17: In The Buffy

Nicholas Brendon, who played “Geek Assistant #1” (or something) in the TV series Buffy The Vampire Slayer, got his ass slayed on St Patrick’s. Someone called in a drunk guy causing much ruckus in Venice Beach and the Buffy Slayers showed up and, after Brendon took a swing at them and ran away, the cops tased Brendon, twice. i don’t know about vampires, but you slay me, bro.

Nicholas Brendon Mug Shot

The good news about this is that it gives me a good (enough) excuse to exposé Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Click On The Image For Wallpaper Size

Sarah Michelle Gellar in The Bar None

Like Christina Ricci, there’re more hot shots in my drawers, down below.

My Drawers

Christina Ricci

Christina Ricci In The Bar None

Sarah Michelle Gellar

Bonus Shot

Sarah Michelle Gellar Kissing Selma Blair