The Grand Budapest Hotel 07 drink (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

0-5 Shots Booze Revooze: The Grand Budapest Hotel

The Grand Budapest Hotel 01 poster (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Ramblings: A Penthouse Sweet

Before ya’ll get your collective panties (and you oughta stop with that, it’s all kinds of not sanitary) about how i’m bullshitting my way through this review because The Grand Budapest doesn’t come out for another 3 days…check this out.

The Grand Budapest Hotel 02 proof (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

See that date? 26/02/2014, babe. So i was in the Hotel, soiling the sheets and raiding the mini bar way before you got here.

Final Proof: 3 Shots

3 shots

You know how you get drunk with a girl you like? She’s kind of your friend but you’ve always wanted to take it to the next level because she’s cute and funny and sexy and even a little dirty and finally she tells you to meet her in a room at the Motel 6 with a bottle of bargain tequila and a box of condoms. So you spend the day in sticky anticipation of all the liquid fun in store for the evening but like all pleasures that get put off, there comes a moment when it’s more fun to wait than consecrate, to anticipate than consummate. The hotel room you meet in is a poor excuse of a bedroom and what you imagined her lips would feel like, what you thought her skin would smell like, what you hoped her body would taste like was far softer, sweet  your imagination of her body was more delicious than her body itself. Not that she’s ugly by any stretch, it’s just she sports the ass of someone you like and not love so you don’t really get into it. The Grand Budapest was like that ass, no matter how drunk you get, you appreciate how good it looks but you just can’t get deeply into it.

The Grand Budapest Hotel 03 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Is that flour on your face or were just making batter?

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe i was too tired but The Grand Budapest didn’t open for me. i feel bad about this on so many levels that i’m tempted to lie here and say i loved it because i’ve heard the rumors that this is Wes Anderson’s break out movie and if any director deserves a break out, it’s Wes.

All the ingredients were there for a successful cocktail even. The script was well written, the story was engaging, the actors were amazing (Fiennes and the little boy (Tony Revolori as Zero) were perfect) and the look, the style the feel of the film was the best part. It looked like a delicious pastry from your favorite bakery.

Why i didn’t like it is more elusive because i’m not sure, so let’s talk this through and see if we can’t figure it out. i think one of the problems is that, like the cake, it was too sweet but not nourishing enough. Like Wes had followed the recipe to the letter and get the cake that looked exactly like the picture in the cookbook, but my tastes run more towards the improvised, the surprise.

The Grand Budapest Hotel 04 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

“This is what happens when you don’t put the seat down.”

Here’s some excuses as for why i didn’t get into Hotel:

  1. i was tired and fell asleep in the movie
  2. After Moonrise Kingdom, which i loved the shit out of, i had very high, too high, expectations for this one
  3. i suck

You know how you sit in the can for a long time trying to make a deposit and you feel the need and you keep trying and pushing but nothing comes from it? That’s how i felt in the movie theater, trying to force myself to love The Grand Budapest and just not succeeding. Maybe i’ll try to watch it again and stay awake through the whole thing this time.

The Grand Budapest Hotel 05 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

“No, you can’t change jobs. His is flushing, yours is wiping.”

You know what i’d really like? If you’re feeling especially generous maybe you could see the film and tell me how wrong i am in the comments. Shame me into liking this film, goddammit.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

WATCH OUT! SOME OF WHAT FOLLOWS IS NSFW!

Sex: 0 Shots

Yeah, no big surprise here. Wes isn’t really known for his steamy sex scenes. Which is cool because going to a Wes Anderson film for the sex scenes is like going to church for rationality. Fortunately you got me here to give you a hand…so to speak.

The Grand Budapest Hotel 06 sex (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

The sexiest shot in the whole film

Like there was Saoirse Ronan as Agatha. i was so glad to see her here and doing a good job acting because i thought Stephenie Meyer broke her when Saoirse starred in The Host. Apparently, however, Saoirse is more resilient than Kristen Stewart doing Twilight because Ms Ronan holds her own here–but not anyone else’s. Which is why i’m posting this.

Saoirse Ronan Bar None Wallpaper

Saoirse Ronan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

The same lack of sexiness carried over to hot French babe Léa Seydoux, which is pronounced like “Say Do” but she says “don’t” throughout this whole movie because she’s not in it very long and even if she plays a French Maid, it’s not even half as sexy as it sounds. Here’s a wallpaper of her trying not to be sexy too, by hiding her boobs from us but she’s only partially successful.

Léa Sydoux Bar None Wallpaper

Léa Sydoux Bar None Wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper

If you made it past that, here’s the blow by blow:

  • Glimpse of an elderly naked woman in bed
  • Maid Clotilde [is hot] [i wrote this before i recognized it as Léa Seydoux]

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

2 shots

i was pretty surprised actually. i never woulda thought it’d have gone up this high but there you have it. There were pretty regular references to drinking, even if drinking wasn’t key to the script.

  • Champagne bottle at dinner
The Grand Budapest Hotel 07 drink (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

“To my health, ’cause yours is fucked.”

  • The film is set in Zubrowka [which is the name of a polish vodka]

Bring Pouilly-Fuissé 1926 so we don’t have to drink the cat piss in the dining car.

Ralph Fiennes / M. Gustave packing before a train trip

The Grand Budapest Hotel 08 drink (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

“I take my drinking like my men, two-fisted.”

  • Whisky and champagne at the reading of the will
  • Green Goblin bad guy [i spaced Willem Dafoe’s name] takes sips from his flask on his motor cycle

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

C’mon people, you don’t go to a Wes Anderson film for the rock.

The Grand Budapest Hotel 09 rock (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

“Shoot, or I’ll stop.”

Boring Technical Crap

The Grand Budapest Hotel 10 cast (AlKHall Booze Revooze)Written by:

Wes Anderson & Hugo Guinness – Story
Wes Anderson – Screenplay

Directed by: Wes Anderson

Starring

Saoirse Ronan – Agatha
Léa Seydoux – Clotilde
Ralph Fiennes – M. Gustave
F. Murray Abraham – Mr. Moustafa
Willem Dafoe – Jopling

Bottom Line

My suggestion to you is to definitely see it, especially if you like Wes Anderson and to ignore everything i think about it.

Another Round

moonrise-kingdom-poster1

Booze Revooze of Moonrise Kingdom

the-host-01-poster-wtf-watch-the-film-saint-pauly

WTF!? review of The Host

zSkyfall-Review-Logo

The Rod’s super professional review of Fiennes in Skyfall

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing clever from here on out, unless you think NSFW T&A is clever. In which case, what’s coming is fucking brilliant.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of THE LOVELY BONES

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: This Mortal Coil (w/ Elizabeth Fraser of The Cocteau Twins) – Song To The Siren [Tim Buckley cover]

[Press ‘Play’ for ambiance]

Ramblings: [i will not say Lovely Boner, i will not say Lovely Boner, i will not say…]

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink with psychos? i mean, there are psychos and there are psychos. The first kind is no problem ’cause they come in sporting a suit of rotting fish, pick a fight right away and get thrown out faster than you can say “Is that a spoon in your hair or are you missing a shoe?” That’s not the kind of psycho i’m talking about here. i’m talkin’ about the kind of guy who looks cool and talks cool but every once in a long while he mutters a strange aside that makes you wonder. And the way he looks at you makes you wonder so you get tense and drink less than you wanted ’cause you feel like you gotta be on your guard at all times so this guy doesn’t jab cocktail umbrellas into your eye sockets while you’re scoping out the young talent surrounding you. He’s a weird one all right. Off kilter enough like you’re always looking at him through a half-empty bottle and just by existing makes you feel guilty for being human. Yeah, The Lovely Bones is kinda like that.

i gotta say i liked The Lovely Bones. The problem Peter Jackson has is that geeks aren’t gonna like this because there aren’t any hobbits in it and film buffs are gonna slag it ’cause the dude made three whole freakin’ Lord Of The Rings movies and a King Kong to boot. But hell, if you don’t know who Peter Jackson is or don’t hate on him for having more money than you’ll ever see in three lifetimes, then you should see this.

There’s a lot here to like. The actors really flesh out their parts, with special props to the young Saoirse Ronan who assures in her role as the murdered teen, and Stanley Tucci who freaked the crap out of me. Also, normally The Bar None is against credit but i’ll give it where it’s due and tonight it’s due to Peter Jackson. He took some risks when filming the nether region and i thought he pulled it off damn well.

For example, it’s a well-established fact that i hate movies with violence against women, but the way it’s treated here is so suspenseful that it made me kinda sick. Sure, it’s an unpleasant sensation but what i’m saying is that he was able to make me feel something rather than just sit there thinking he was an asshole for making a movie about hurting young ladies.

Don’t get me wrong, i didn’t love everything here. Some of the long passages were long and the movie kinda loses direction a little in the middle. There is one WTF moment that bugged me so much i woulda yelled at the screen if i’d been drunk and plus this is another one of those movies that keeps ending. You think it’s over, nope, one more scene. Done? One more ending. Ok? Just one more. It’s like that guy at the end of the bar who says he’s leaving and is on his third ‘last drink’.

Maybe you read the book but i don’t read anything longer than bottle labels so i can’t compare it to the novel. What i can tell you is that The Lovely Bones is more suspense/thriller than it is a literary film.

Before we move on to the next section—and you knew this was gonna happen so stop your whining—i gotta card Saoirse Ronan (who apparently pronounces her first name SAIR-sheh) ’cause at 15 the babe is really only a babe and, unlike the psycho nut job in the movie, i’m all about age appropriateness in The Bar None. (But check out her eyes! You won’t believe me, but Miss Demeanor has the exact shade of infinity blue in her eyes, too.)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

i also got some tuneage from the juiced-box and the soundtrack for you while you peruse the photos: The Hollies – Long Cool Woman (In A Black Dress)

[Press ‘Play’ to rock dem bones]

Sex: 2 Shots

Guess what. No nudity. Yeah, yeah, i know, not my fault. Anyway, with the theme of the movie, any kinda nudity here would be as unwelcome as a stripper at a bris. Which doesn’t mean we can’t have hot babes, thank goddess.

Case in point, i get to exposé Rachel Weisz just a few days after doing her in Agora.

Rachel Weisz In The Bar None

Starring as Lindsey Salmon, the younger sister, we got New Zealander Rose McIver. Is is just me or is it weird that we got a 22-year-old playing a 15-year-old’s younger sister?

Finally, another Kiwi, but this one is a newcomer. Meet Carolyn Dando (21) who plays Ruth, the dark friend who sees dead people. (Clicking the link will take you to her webpage.)

For those of you who prefer bones to tissue, i got some Mark Wahlberg (38) action for ya:

"What the f*ck is this sh*t?"

"Now that's more like it!"

This here’s Reece Ritchie (23):

A Smoke

Drink: 1 Shot

The only character that does any drinking here is Susan Sarandon as the alcoholic grandmother. i’ll give her a shot for that but no more ’cause i’m still pissed at her for dumpin’ my man Tim Robbins for younger meat. (And i’ll apologize profusely and offer you a drink on the house if any of y’all got more time than i do to find out if i got the story wrong.)

  • Grandma drinks Jim Beam, brings a fifth to take care of daughter
  • Drinks whiskey with ice
  • [She drinks from a ] Bottle of Crown Royal (?) in grandson’s room; calls booze ‘medicine’
  • [She] Drinks cooking sherry when she’s out of booze
  • SS chain smokes

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 ½ Shots

Here’s another ‘rocker’ from the juiced-box and the soundtrack (y’all gotta remember the movie’s set in the ’70s,  k?): Dave Edmunds – I Hear You Knocking

i’m being generous with my shots here, but i got my reasons. There’s no real rock here, other than the two i’ve already posted, but the other tunes (Cocteau Twins, This Mortal Coil, Brian Eno) suited the mood. Brian Eno wrote the original music as well and also included “1/1” from Music For Airports. Sure, it’s not what i’m gonna listen to get my drink on, but it was served at the right temperature for this film.

On top of that, like i said before, the suspense really got to me, especially for the first half hour, and that’s gotta count for something on the rock and roll scale.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

  • Alice Sebold (novel)
  • Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson (screenplay)

Directed by: Peter Jackson

Starring

Saoirse Ronan – Susie salmon

Rachel Weisz – Abigail Salmon

Rose McIver – Lindsey Salmon

Carolyn Dando – Ruth

Mark Wahlberg – Jack Salmon

Reece Ritchie – Ray Singh

Bottom Line

Yeah, i’d see it. ‘Course i already have, but there ya go.

Bone-us song:

Here’s another one of those ambient things: The Cocteau Twins (feat. Dead Can Dance) – Alice