Are You Octoberfest Drunk? An Online Quiz

Oktoberfest Girls Kissing Collage

Oktoberfest Girls Kissing Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Time once again for that yearly event that is the closest the Germans will ever get to Christmas: Octoberfest. All the party hounds can now migrate Over the Wine and mark their territory there. They’ll trash Frankfurt, Hamburg and Cologne which, ironically enough, is also what will come up when they puke.

To celebrate the closing ceremony of this to Hell and Bacchanalia, i’m posting a quiz for you to determine if you are Octoberfest drunk or not.

The first question is, “Why are all the women in Octoberfest Wallpaper above kissing each other?”

Here’s a hint for you, brought to you by Buck Cherry.

The photographic answer to the question is coming, kind of, but until then here’s the rest of test to determine if you are just American Buzzed or Oktoberfest Bested.

What’s Wrong With the Pictures?

1.

Oktoberfest So Wrong The Bar None2.

Oktoberfest So Wrong The Bar None3.

Oktoberfest So Wrong The Bar None4.

5.

Before i give you the answers to that test, here’s the reason the Frauleins are kissing each other:

Oktoberfest Men the Bar None

Oktoberfest Men

And now the answers to the Quiz:

Are You Octoberfest Drunk

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Booze Revooze: THE AVENGERS

The Avengers poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Soundgarden – Live to Rise

[Press ‘Play’ for the coolest thing you will hear all day.]

Ramblings: Why Chromosomes

Final Proof: 3 ½ Shots

 You know how you get drunk in a bouncy castle? Sure, the idea looks good on paper because you’re combining two of your favorite things, drinking and bouncing, and there’s lots of action and lots of fun and you laugh a lot and get your kicks and sure, there are some moments when you get a little tired but your friends are super even if their jokes are often lame but the biggest advantage and the biggest weakness is the exact same thing: drinking in a bouncy castle means you can’t break anything, hurt yourself or take any risks and it’s nice to know you’re safe but sometimes it’s better to leave the safety zone and take some chances and get into the shit. So you have sweet and innocent fun time and you’d do it again in a heartbeat unless something else more better, more intellectualer comes along. That’s what seeing The Avengers was like.

The Avengers Movie Still

The Avengers is The King’s Speech of action movies. It’s very well made and technically perfect with all of the boxes of “good movie” checked, like beautiful actors and good action and quips and zingers and extra special effects and good guys that are 100% good and bad guys that are 100% bad and the good guy wins and the bad guy loses and they all live happily ever after. It’s like guys’ gymnastics where they have that one routine when everyone has to do the same one. The Avengers is like that: perfectly executed and routine.

The Avengers Movie Still

“Yeah, this does not look gay in every way.”

But sometimes you want popcorn and not corny pop and hard rock not pop rocks and whiskey not wine coolers and quicksand not Disney Land and a lap dance not romance. At those times you’ll be glad for The Dark Knight–but not The Avengers.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

The Avengers Used Scarlett Johansson and Jeremy Renner Sex intro

“Wanna feel the prick of my arrow?”

Thank god they could find one super heroine in the men’s club, because this really is a men’s club, didn’t you see what i wrote up there about guys’ gymnastics? Who watches guys’ gymnastics anyway? Men who don’t think Scarlett Johansson is hot, that’s who.

The Avengers - Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson  2012-04-30 Collage Wallpaper

Scarlett Johansson – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper

Plus there’s some unbelievable shots of her stuck to the bottom of my drawers, at the end of this review. Scroll down until you get to the “Continue Reading” link and click away.

You know who else i was happy to see here and it’s not Robert Downey Jr even though i was happy to see him too? Cobie Smothers or whatever her name is from How I Met Your Mother. She was already very cute in that show even if i didn’t recognize her here for a minute or two in her military uniform. Let’s just say she looks better out of it.

The Avengers Still - Cobie Smulder

Cobie Smulders Wallpaper Collage

Cobie Smulders Wallpaper – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper

Not to mention the shots of her in my drawers, after the “Continue Reading” link down there.

Don’t forget Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s back once again as Peter Stark’s love assistant. And what a back and ass-instance she was. There was this one scene with her in denim short shorts and, like Gwyneth or not, you’ll like her. Like this.

Gwyneth Paltrow Wallpaper Collage

Gwyneth Paltrow Wallpaper – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper

Yes, more pixxx of her in my drawers, after the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of this page.

Silken Butterflies

The good news is that the magnificent Ashley Johnson had a brief appearance in The Avengers as “Waitress”. The bad news is that it was brief. Still, from the way she looked at Captain America, i have the impression we’ll be seeing more of her in the sequel.

Ashley Johnson

For those of you more hooked on heroes than heroines…

Celeste E Hall giggled the whole walk home from this movie, confused like a deli patron unable to decide which hero was the hottest. To give her a hand, i thought i’d do a little poll dance. Vote below for the hero who carried you away the farthest.

If you need to examine these speci-men more closely, the full shots are after the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of this post.

A Smoke

Scarlett Johansson In The Bar None

Scarlett Johansson In The Bar None

Drink: 0 Shots

What can i say, i got nothin’. The only notes i scrawled were:

  • Stark offers Loki a drink. “Sure you don’t want one? I’m having one.” Whiskey from a snifter.
  • [Later] Captured Loki says, “About that drink…”
The Avengers movie still

Me So Horny

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 ½ Shots

On a scale of Bright Star to the first Matrix, The Avengers holds its own (as i sometimes do, but with my left hand so i can pretend it’s someone else’s). Lots of action and only enough talk to knock it down 1/2 a shot. The special effects were solid and there was even some real rock and roll, beginning with the Soundgarden that kicked off this shit and including this old but still kicking AC/DC classic.

The Avengers Movie Still

“Shit, I think I have this backwards.”

One interesting disappointment was the fights. Remember how you were a kid and talking to some buds while smoking some other ones, and you were all like, “Who do you think would win if [insert super hero] got in a fight with [insert different super hero]?” We now know the answer will usually be “It’d be a tie.” Especially if one of the combatants is Thor.

Based on these battles:

  • Thor v. The Hulk
  • Thor v. Iron Man
  • Thor v. Captain America
  • Thor v. Loki
  • The Hulk v. Black Widow

The Avengers movie still

There were two cards that weren’t undecided:

  • Black Widow v. Hawkeye (Black Widow by TKO)
  • The Hulk v. Loki (The Hulk in a first round knock out)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stan Lee & Jack Kirby (comic book)
Joss Whedon (screenplay)
Zak Penn & Joss Whedon (story)

Directed by: Joss Whedon

The Avengers Image

Starring

Scarlett Johansson – Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow
Cobie Smulders – Agent Maria Hill
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Ashley Johnson – Waitress
Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Samuel L. Jackson – Nick Fury
Chris Evans – Steve Rogers / Captain America
Mark Ruffalo – Bruce Banner / The Hulk
Chris Hemsworth – Thor
Jeremy Renner – Clint Barton / Hawkeye
Tom Hiddleston – Loki
Clark Gregg – Agent Phil Coulson

Bottom Line

Definitely you should see this. If only because it’s the number one selling movie of all time. And you should see it on the biggest screen you can find. You know what they say, “Go big or go home (and watch it there).”

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Click on the link for the drawer shots…

Continue reading

Dregs of the Week: The Week of May & June, 2012

Rima Fakih Wallpaper

There She Goes, Pissed America… Rima Fakih Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Long time no dregs, so i’m back with a flash to look at some drunk ass shit going down in the world. Miss Drunk USA comes in both small and medium sizes, a drunk guy can’t get something off his chest, Amber Bynes is still drunk and has become Scout Willis’s rock ‘n’ roll model, plus Matthew Fox who played Jack on Lost still is.

Speaking of Jack, here’s Jack Johnson – Red Wine, Mistakes, Mythology

[Press ‘Play’ to ‘take a piece of the sun and drink some’]

Commoner Dregs

A Toast

A toast to my brother from another drunkard, In The Same Boat, who brought this little bit of tid to my attention.

May 21: Shoulda Stuck to 12 oz. Curls

i’m allergic to exercise. Serious. Every time i try it, i sweat profusely and my heart rate increases and my breathing becomes labored so now all i do is watch TV because nothing bad happens to me that way. i’m also allergic to booze. It makes me break out in stupid. Mixing these? Are you on bath salts and after a little face time?

Apparently Chris Bailey, who used to be 28, was. He drank with his landlord in England until 3am when the landlord went to bed, but when the landlord woke up he saw the front door open and the garage light on and found Chris couldn’t handle the pressure…of the weights he’d been drunk lifting. Chris had been working out in the early morning and was dead, crushed by the weights he was lifting trying to lift. Look on the bright side, Chris, at least you’ll be the burliest mother fucker in heaven. Maybe not in hell, though–they got lots and lots of burly fucks in hell– so let’s hope you’re going to heaven.

Here’s another reason, like you need one, not to lift weights.

Female Weightlifters Wallpaper

Female Weightlifters’ Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Celebrity Dregs

June 6: Amanda Bynes Is Still Drunk

Amanda Bynes 2012-04-07 Big Head collage wallpaper

Amanda Bynes is a Heady Girl

Y’all remember Amanda Bynes from that one post where i told you about her so drunk driving that she crashed into a fucking police car? When she was so fucking drunk she refused every kind of test they could throw up at her? Of course you don’t remember because you were so into the photos that you forgot how to read but i’m here to remind you.

Guess what? She just went to fucking court drunk and i’m not even kidding because she pleaded innocent. After she hit a police car. And refused every drunk test that exists. The only logical explanation for her innocent plea is that she was so drunk her lawyer caught a contact buzz off her breath and oozed all the shit she wanted him to.

Go ahead and think i’m kidding because i know you and that’s what you’re thinking but how else do you explain her tweeting Obama himself to have her arresting deputy fired? If that’s not drunk tweeting i don’t know what is, and trust me, i know what is.

Amanda Bynes Tweet

June 6: Scout Willis is Stumbling in Amanda Bynes’ Footsteps

There seems to be a rash and not just the one that itches me late at night when it rains but one of minors getting arrested for underage drinking. For example “Boy” Scout Willis was popped like a cherry for underage drinking and identity theft because she had a fake ID (how much you wanna bet it was Michelle Rodriguez’s driver’s license she lost at some Tijuana strip club during a drunken lap dance for Rumer Willis?).

Scout Willis isn't a Minor, her parents are famous

Scout Willis isn’t a Minor, Her Parents are Too Famous

Adding to that rash is minor starlettes pleading Not Guilty by Reason of Infamity, i.e. too almost famous to have a record for drinking crimes. i rest my case in point on my lap and will tell you that Scout “Jamboree” Willis pleaded innocent to her charges as well and told her Dad to Die Hard the court’s ass.

Dec 3, 2011 – May 9, 2012 Q: What’s the one thing a Miss America hates to blow?  A: .19% on the BAC

Rima Fakih Mugshot

Everyone Gets a Mugshot in the Bar None

Here’s a Miss America i’m proud to have voted for. Rima Fakih (as in “Fakih, Fakih 10 dolla’) truly represents the intellectual cross section that is the U.S., especially how she gets pulled over drunk driving with an open bottle of French champagne and tries to get out of it by saying she’s Miss USA like it’s a real title and when that doesn’t work, she lies on Twitter about it by tweeting, “Wrong Rima Fakih” because the name ‘Rima Fakih’ is as common as … hmm, absolutely fuck all which is why i think she rocks and deserves to be Miss America. She reminds me a lot of some of the women i’ve dated in my life or at least dreamed of dating just like i dream of being with a Miss America so there you go, told you she was the right woman for the hand job.

Rima Fakih Drunk Wallpaper

Rima Fakih Drunk Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

BTW, for those of you who haven’t given up on this post yet (and god bless you for your courage), she was sentenced to 6 months probation and 20 hours community service which might have something to do with pole dancing, i’m not sure. It would go a long way to explaining the shots of her pole dancing i got stuffed in my drawers at the bottom of this post.

Rima Fakih Stripper Pole

Here’s a Taste

May 15: Tori Vance is Driving in Rima’s Footsteps

Not to be undone, Miss Teen Arizona 2010 (it was a very good year) decided to take it a step further by getting popped like a zit for DUI but this time, while only 18 years old. And just like that, the number one person in the world i wanna party with goes  from Kirsten Dunst to Tori Vance.

Tori Vance Collage Wallpaper

Tori Vance Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Matthew Fox DrunkThe cops pulled her over for puling an illegal u-ey and suspected she was drinking so they arrested her ass and the rest of her too but especially her ass and she hit just over 0.08% on the BAC which is the minimum to win a free trip to booking central.

There’s lots more drawer shots down there, Yo, after the “Continue reading…” link.

May 7: Outfoxed

Does Matthew Fox have a drinking problem? He’s fucking married to a woman named “Margarita Raunch” (Margherita Ronch), people.

Matthew Fox, dashing good guy hero figure of TV’s Lost, continued his downward spiral by getting popped for a DUI recently and that’s not even the most interesting thing he’s ben in deep, deep, trouble for, because this is the guy who nearly went to the pokey for punching a vagina. Punching. A. Vagina. He hit below the belt after he had one, basically. Hey, i punched twats when i was drinking, and i even punched assholes, but i never ever punched a vadge, ask any of the cunts i know.

You know what it is and you don’t so i’ll tell you, it’s the Get Lost curse. Y’all are pro’lly too young to remember but way back in 2005 i talked about how Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros got busted the same freaking night for DUI. If you’re keeping score and you know i am, that makes three Losers Losties and here’s a toast to my being around Evangeline Lilly before she either gets busted with “the others” or Foxy punches her in her Evadgealina.

A Toast to Evangeline Lilly

A Toast to Evangeline Lilly

So yeah, there are a lot more Foxy shots in my drawers with the rest of ’em.

Bar None Dregs

Happy Father’s Day!

Father's Day in the Bar None

Father’s Day in the Bar None

That Saint Pauly kid posted another couple of his What The Fuck? Watch The Film reviews.

First up is Amber Heard’s abortion with John Carpenter, The Ward.

Then, just in time for Father’s Day, there’s Rebecca de Mornay’s Mother’s Day:

WTF Mother's Day

Al K Hall

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Follow the “Continue Reading” link to enter the drawers.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: PROMETHEUS

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Stephen Stills – Love The One You’re With

[Press ‘Play’ for some oft referenced Stephen Stills]

Ramblings: Space Campy

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk in your old high school? You bring beer, break in, then rode the halls and reminisce on good memories that age like brandy, smooth and mellow and maybe a little better than when they were made. What’s nice is that the school’s been all remodeled and looks fucking great and you can’t believe all the high tech gadgets they got now that they didn’t have when you were a kid so you play with them a little bit and get all set to settle into a nice night that may generate a few memories of its own…until some asshole pulls the fire alarm and you have to run outside into the playground and you stumble around and get more drunk and bang your head on the monkey bars and puke on the swing while you’re swinging so that you swing into your vomit and it streaks your cheeks and stains your shirt and fills your lap and the night is cashed like a keg of warm beer gone stale. That’s sorta what Prometheus was like.

Prometheus still

i can tell you right off the bat that i gave this somebitch 3 shots because the first half of the movie was 4 shots and the second half was 2 shots and the average of that is too hard for me to calculate so i’ll just round up to 3.

The beginning was incredible. What’s-his-name the director…Ridley Scott, there you go, filmed Prometheus in 3D rather than just stapling 3D shit on top after and you can really really tell when you watch the opening scenes. The vistas and the valleys and the crags and shit look awesome and then, when you start noticing the planet scape of the outer space lands you realize he even made the cloud formations look unique and you start to appreciate just how far out there “Out There” is and you appreciate the whole other-worldly other world Scott created. Like Avatar on vodka spiked with anti-freeze. Truly wondrous.

After half a movie of this, just when you think you can relax and enjoy the show, the film turns to shit without warning. There are so many “WTF?” moments that you’ll wonder where you’ve been transported and what happened to the movie you were just watching. Scott feels obligated to force feed you shots of the original Alien (female leads, schmarmy androids with an agenda…) which he thinks are tradition but in fact are just cliche and tired. It’s like he meticulously manicured a marvelous castle of mud and then, just when you started appreciating its true beauty, he pisses all over it and makes it crumble around you.

Prometheus still

What else do you want from me? Noomi Rapace makes the jump from the Swedish Girl With A Dragon Tattoo to US blockbusters a droitly or even two droitlies. She does a decent job here in her role as Sigourney Weaver wannabe except, as my wife Celeste E Hall pointed out, Noomi’s character Elizabeth Shaw is a wimpy scaredy pussy compared to Weaver’s Ripley (believe it or not) but that’s not Noomi’s fault, it’s Ridley’s for directing her into that corner.

Prometheus still

Michael Fassbender is the same. He does a great job doing that acting thing but his character is all WTF’ed and he ends up gloriously portraying Lost In Space‘s Robby the Robot. Plus i heard he’s a conceited prick in real life so i don’t like him anyway and it’s got nothing to do with his penis probably being bigger than mine.

Prometheus still

Basically, if you’re invested in the Alien series you’ll get your money’s worth from this one and there’s nothing i’ll be able to tell you that’ll convince you that it’s not as good as you think it is, but for the rest of us humans who don’t need to revisit space camp you should go and see something good instead.

Prometheus: Noomi Rapace / Elizabeth Shaw

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1½ Shots

The only sex scene is the buzz kill and that’s just how bad it is.

The closest thing we get to nudity is the Alien, who has one of those mouths that look like a vagina. Like in The Thing. Because male film directors are misogynists.

Prometheus sexy

Sure, there’s Charlize Theron (36) but the only sex scene with her happens off screen and the only time she gets hot is when it’s cold and her uniform is tight. Trust me, she’s a lot sexier here in the Bar None than she ever was in this movie.

Charlize Theron 2012-06-05 Collage

Charlize Theron Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There are more drawer shots at the bottom. You hafta click on the link that says “Continue Reading…” down there ↓.

Then there also was Noomi Rapace (32). She was the Swish (because everybody knows Swiss and Swedish is exactly the same fucking thing) actress who starred in Swish version of the Swish book The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. She showed a lot more skin than Charlize in this puppy, like that one shot i put at the top of this section that i called “Elizabeth Shaw Swaddled” in my notes.

Noomi Rapace 2012-06-05 Collage

Noomi Rapace Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i got some drawer shots of her as well. Just scroll to the bottom and look for the button that says “Continue Reading…”

For those of you more into Predators than Mother Ships, here’s Michael Fassbender.

Michael Fassbender Collage

Michael Fassbender Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Plus, i got some Bar None shots of him at the bottom, in my drawers.

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

Almost nothing but the fact that there was anything when this takes place in outer fucking space is already something.

A vodka. Up.

Vickers / Charlize Theron ordering a vodka from the android

  • Cool scientist drinking vodka from the bottle while in the lab
  • [He] gets drunk in pool room and android comes to keep him drunk
  • Champagne spiked with Alien bile

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots

You want to know what this move is like in rock and roll terms? “Owner of a Lonely Heart” by Yes. It starts of really cool and you think you have rock on your hands and then it gets all soft on you and everyone knows you can’t play pool with a rope.

Boring Technical Crap

“If you want, Noomi, I can put you on my shoulders so you can see better.”

Written by: Jon Spaihts, Damon Lindelof

Directed by: Ridley Scott

Starring

Noomi Rapace – Elizabeth Shaw
Charlize Theron – Meredith Vickers
Michael Fassbender – David
Logan Marshall-Green – Charlie Holloway

Bottom Line

When Noomi gets into the automatic surgery box, either abandon ship or fasten your seatbelt because that’s the moment this bitch looses power and goes down in flames.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Joking aside, all that’s left is pictures. Click on this link for that.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: ON THE ROAD

On The Road Poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Fresh off the screens here in Yeaman where they love us more because they give us the movies before the rest of the world. Proof of that is On The Road was here in June 2012, and here’s the shots to prove i saw it before you did.

On The Road Screen Shot

The Bar None in “On the Road”

On The Road Screen Shot Kristen Stewart

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Jake La Botz – Hard To Love What You Kill

[Press ‘Play’ for something real and truer than anything you’ll find in the film.]

Oh wait, did i mention this guy and i hung out together? Yeah, a little face to face interview in Yeaman. Go ahead and start getting jealous now.

Ramblings: On the Road is a Dead End

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with writers? They sit there across from you wearing the adhesive name tag “writer” like a medal of honor that makes them better than the rest of the world or at least better than you and they talk down to you making all these obscure references to make you feel stupid and they tell all these tales about how intense and crazy their lives are but their lives are less lived than yours as they slosh in the booth across from you and you’d think at least the stories would be interesting but these are writers not characters and especially not story tellers so all you get is this drivel like spittle dribble off a spoiled baby’s bib except you get a lot of it because everyone knows writers drink too much too often. Basically you end up drinking with a deaf guy getting blind drunk who rattles on like an engine that’s been shut down but still has too much fuel in the lines so it goes on and on and on long after you tried to shut it down. On the Road is a lot like that.

On the Road 01

So Write and So Wrong

i knew i wasn’t going to like On the Road even before i saw it and it didn’t disappoint. There’s a Buick full of reasons i didn’t and i’ll try not to bore you with all of them but the main reason i didn’t like it was that it made me hate writers and more especially writing. Not unlike the book and this is a movie review not a book review but i’m gonna throw this up right here that the book On the Road, while certainly an iconic novel through no fault of its own, is just not that good of a book. If that makes me a heretic, crucify me, i’ve been living on borrowed crosses long enough as it is.

On the Road still

The only good thing that can be said about Jose Rivera’s script was that it didn’t try to make a story out of a novel that had no story. The bad things we can say is that the writer portrays “writers” as these pseudo-intellectual, self important, self absorbed, self centered, egotistical assholes who act as though they play by a different set of rules than the rest of the people and that they’re justified in treating other people like shit because they’re artists and that means the rest of the world has to let these evolved and tortured souls wipe their feet on those that love them before trampling them to death. This kind of hyper realism got on my nerves. Maybe the hardest part is that i consider myself a writer and i saw myself in these characters and i hated these characters so On the Road gave me an overdose of self loathing, which is OK if that’s what the flick is going for but the directing reeks of pretentiousness like the movie is a pedestal where we place these assholes so we can look up at them but that’s not a pedestal it’s pederasty. OtR comes off as a private message from writers and film directors to their loved ones saying, “Yes, world, I treat you like shit but it’s because you are shit and I deserve to treat you that way.”

On the Road

So On the Road buys into the myth-conception that is the book, but even going down that one-way street, the film runs into a cul de sac because of the actors. No offense against Garrett Hedlund but fucking Dean Moriarty / Neal Cassady was a rusty gun that couldn’t stop firing on all cylinders and soared with such intensity that he was a shooting star burning for decades across endless night skies long enough that all those who saw him could not stop making wishes. Neal Cassady had enough life for two lives and he fucking proved it by becoming a Beat icon to On the Roadies and drove on to become a hippy icon as described in Tom Wolfe’s Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. How many generations have you influenced today? Well, Neal Cassady did two. And you’re going to find a Hollywood actor to portray that? There are some things that can’t be acted, man.

On the Road still

“Better luck next time, man.”

At least Hedlund tries, for christsake. Kristen Stewart figured because she was going topless she didn’t even have to act her age and whoever the fuck was trying to be Carlo Marx / Allen Ginsberg (wait, the actor was Tom Sturridge ) decided the melodramatic lines he had to recite were neither mellow nor dramatic enough so he turned the knob up to 11 where it was so painful to hear what he was saying and how he was saying it that even the dogs outside the movie theater were howling.

On the Road still

Twi-Harder Next Time

You wanna insist on seeing this movie? See it for Viggo. Viggo Mortensen as Old Bull Lee / William S. Burroughs is a sight to see and you can almost see the other, younger actors weeping with relief during their scenes with him because he gives the movie credibility and it’s like when you’re 10 and drunk and set the house on fire but your parents come home and take control of the situation and make everything all right again. Parents? Parents indeed because the amazingly underrated Amy Adams plays a mother of a mother Jane (Joan Vollmer, Burroughs’ common law wife he would later shoot and kill in Mexico during a drunken reenactment of William Tell). Her performance defies defiance and rocks so much madness i couldn’t stop wondering how the hell it was that she didn’t get a meatier role because she acted the shit out of everyone else in the place.

On the Road Still

Walter Salles (the director) couldn’t even make smoking look cool. He did a good enough job recreating the scenes and images of the Beat Generation, Denver in ’65 and hobos scribbling with stub pencils but then when people showed up and started acting, the movie pretty much went into a tailspin and skidded off the road and into a ditch.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

4 Shots! i know, right!? And the crazy thing it’s not just because Kristen Stewart goes topless for the first time not once but three times.

The nice thing about this movie going deep up into writers’ guts through their asses is that we get a butt load of sex because writers run on booze and feed on sex.

On the Road sex 02 - Kirsten Dunst

  • Kristen Stewart topless on the bed
  • Lots of guys hugging Kristen Dunst in a negligee
  • Dean sleeps with Rita from the other room [wtf?]
  • 3 people in bed (2 guys 1 girl) [this would be Dean, Rita and Carlo]
  • Bisexual side [story with Dean]
  • Terry [Alice Braga] topless sex in a tent with a little boy [watching]
  • Lots of grunting in the movie
  • Dean describes a 4-hour sex orgy
  • Dancing like sex as KS [Kristen Stewart] comes while dancing

On the Road sex still

  • KS in a bra, Sal & Dean & KS 3-way
  • KS 3-way with her bra on i bet she’s like that in real life
  • KS groaning sex scenes are awkward & uncomfortable
  • KS bj while [the guy is] driving while 2 other guys in back seat
  • Viggo bottomless [as in male nudity, from behind]
  • KS topless giving hand jobs to guys on each side while [one of them is] driving

On the Road sex still

  • KS and Sal sex in hotel room (KS topless sex scene)
  • Steve Buscemi and Dean, Dean on top
  • Mexican whorehouse

So yeah, Kristen Stewart (22) lost her screen cherry here a couple times. If only her acting were as fine as the rest of her.

Kristen Stewart 2012-05-23 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i stuffed a lot of shots of her in my drawers all the way at the bottom.

Kristen Dunst was also in On the Road but, like a skinny chick on a mattress, she didn’t make much of an impression. She’ll catch a lot more eyes here and now with this…

Kirsten Dunst 2012-05-30 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Not only do i have shots of her bulging from my drawers, you have gotta check out the collage of her drunk i also keep there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit pay dirty.

Wrapping this up is the One Who Ruled The All, Amy Adams (37).

Amy Adams 2012-05-30 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

For those of you more into hard pavement than soft shoulders, there was the newcomer, Garrett Hedlund (27)…

Garrett Hedlund 00 collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

And the old timer…Viggo Mortensen (53).

Viggo Mortensen 00 collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

In the interest of equality, i got all kinds of guys shots stuck to the bottom of my drawers as well. Down there. ↓

Silken Butterflies

While her appearance wasn’t all that brief, i’m sticking Alice Braga (29) here. She’s an actress we’ll probably be hearing a lot more from, and righteously so.

Alice Braga 2012-05-23 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Alice Braga in the Bar None

Alice Braga in the Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 4 Shots

i don’t think i’ve ever seen a movie with so much sex and booze that i liked so little. Sure, there was a lot of drug experimentation here but one of the things i like about the Beats you don’t get so much with the Hippies is that they really drank and drank hard and drank long as this movie attests to.

On the Road Drink still

I have enough for a pint of whiskey until dinner.

–Sal in the back of a pickup truck with other hobo hitchers

  • Beer (Bud) in a bottle when the men meet
  • The party goes from night to dawn

You can’t smoke but you can drink in this car.

–The driver of the truck hauling dynamite to Sal. They both hit from a labeless glass flask.

  • Drinking beer at Rita’s in bed
  • Hobos in Denver drinking by homeless trash can fire

I wish I could drink whiskey like a man.

–Kirsten Dunst drinking beer at dinner

  • Wine at Sal’s sister’s Christmas dinner
  • Gay Carlo drinking at a jazz club
  • Viggo drinking martinis. He shares it with Amy on his lap
  • Sal drinking beer and writing on the porch
  • Sign “No beer sold to Indians” [in a bar]
  • Sal and Dean drinking beer in a bar after KD [Kirsten Dunst] kicked him out
  • Steve Buscemi bringing a bottle of whiskey bottle and glasses to Sal’s and Dean’s hotel room
  • Pitchers of beer while rewriting with Carlo
  • Dancing and drinking at the Mexican whorehouse
  • Drunk on bad juju in Mexico City back streets
  • Sal drinking [shots] while he writes On the Road

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 shots

There was no rock in the film but sometimes that’s OK. Like when the soundtrack is full of awesome Beat jazz riffs that roll off your tongue like a crazy hot chick’s candy dripping in your ear. Or when you have someone like Jake La Botz, who i didn’t know until i saw this movie.

At the end, there’s this killer folk blues song about how “It’s Hard To Love What You Kill” and i scribbled that into my book thinking a line that incredible had to be famous like Friday night but nope. i dug and dug and dug on the internet and finally unearthed the song which i stuck at the top. i went through his YouTube songs and happened to enter his name on Spotify and found out he has like 4 albums and i’ve been listening to them in a constant loop for two days because, what can i say, the man’s music reminds me of what it was like to be young the first time.

Not only did i find out La Botz has a cameo as a hitcher in the film, i also learned he was fucking coming to Yeaman. So i Facebooked him and he friended me and Bob’s your drunk, we hooked up before his show for a sit down.

On the Road - Jake La Botz

Jake La Botz (center) is Doomed to Meet Me Thursday

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Jack Kerouac (book), Jose Rivera (screenplay)

Directed by: Walter Salles

Starring

You wanna see something funny? The “Full Cast List” over at IMDb says that the cast is listed by alphabetical order, but Kristen Stewart’s name is at the top…

Kristen Stewart – Marylou
Amy Adams – Jane
Kirsten Dunst – Camille
Alice Braga – Terry
Viggo Mortensen – Old Bull Lee
Garrett Hedlund – Dean Moriarty
Sam Riley – Sal Paradise
Jake La Botz – Okie Hitchhiker
Steve Buscemi
Tom Sturridge – Carlo Marx

On the Road still

Bottom Line

My favorite parts of the movie were the scenes with no actors or dialog. ‘Nuff said.

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

It’s all over but the photos. Click on “Continue Reading…” to see them. i’ll stick the guys in the drawers first just to be a gentleman…

Al K Hall

Continue reading

Dregs of the Week: May 2012

Jenna Jameson 2012-05-27 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Jenna Jameson invents a whole new kind of Dirty Pole Dancing, James Bond gets rich drinking beer, and Kate Middleton, the already rich Princess of Tarts, would like to teach the world to drink. Then all kinda dregs are running round round baby in the Bar None dregs.

To kick things off, how ’bout something from the Juiced box and dedicated to Jenna Jameson: Airbourne – Cheap Wine & Cheaper Women.

[Press ‘Play’ for something like Jenna Jameson on a roller coaster…cheap thrills]

Celebrity Dregs

May 18: Your Palace or Mine

What do you call a Jubilee with no cherries? A Diamond Jubilee and they have them like every year in England. My favorite princess (well, after Clotilde Courau), Kate Middleton, invited everyone over to her palace to get them Royally drunk. i bet they served Crown Royal.

i crammed some shots of Kate into my drawers down there.

April 10: Heinie, Shaken Then Stirred

The news is out that 007% will now order a Heineken beer and not his dry martini in the next Bond movie that i’m not gonna name here because i’m against publicizing the shit that powers the powers that be.

At least it’s not cheap beer. Heineken paid the movie folk 45 million dollars for James to saddle up to the bar and order an “Icy Heinie, shaken then slurred. ”

Of course all these Bond purists have their Miss Moneypanties in a wad because it’s not cricket, but i bet they wouldn’t have so many scruples if someone offered them $45,000,000 to drink a beer. Hell, i’ve been in Alcoholics Anonymous for well over a year and i for sure could afford to fall off the wagon a little bit for 45 million. Anybody who tells you different doesn’t know what money is.

Here’s another Bond staple: Bond Girls.

Bond Girls

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

May 25: Get Off the Pole Jenna

The category is: things porn stars do to poles. Award winning actress Jenna Jameson got to banging again last week except this time it was a telephone pole and that’s not even a euphemism. She hit the bottle and then the pole and she’s just wishing it was a strip pole. It doesn’t seem she rear ended it but she will no doubt be sore because she refused medical attention and went straight to the slam-her (yes, i did and i’ll do it again if i have to ).

She was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving because she smelled like the insides of Ron Jeremy’s Depends after he nurses his rum but she was in and out of the pokey faster than a premature incarceration. Anyway, i know y’all only read this for the wrecks, so here it is.

Jenna Jameson Now

Jenna Jameson: After / Don’t Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper

Yeah, i got some extra shots of Jenna bulging out of my drawers down at the bottom of this mess.

Bar None Dregs

From The Bar None’s Facebook page you can’t call me your friend if you haven’t joined yet.

Also in the news, my wife changed her name from Mrs Demeanor to Celeste E Hall and has changed her blog address accordingly. Click here to get there.

What!? You haven’t read The Rod‘s latest post!? What are you still doing here?

Also, Saint Pauly posted another WTF!?

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

Al K Hall on About Me

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Kate Middleton

Kate Middleton Drinking in the Bar None

Kate Middleton Stealing a Drink from the Bar None

Kate Middleton Drinking in the Bar None

Kate Middleton Drinking in the Bar None

Kate Middleton Drinking in the Bar None

Kate Middleton Drinking in the Bar None

Kate Middleton

Kate Middleton 02 Upskirt

Kate Middleton 03 Upskirt

Kate Middleton Bikini

Kate Middleton Bikini

Kate Middleton Bikini

Kate Middleton Ass

Kate Middleton Ass

Jenna Jameson

Jenna Jameson 00 in the Bar None

Jenna Jameson in the Bar None

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Dregs of the Week: May Whatever, 2012

LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey) Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

To all you mothers out there… a special Dregs dedicated to those special women in our lives that make each day easier, better and sweeter–and our mothers, too. i’d also like to take this opportunity to come, come, come out in support of Obama’s pro-gay marriage stance. i think my position on the issue should be pretty clear from the above collage / wallpaper. You know who’s joining me? Mariah Carey was Lesbian for an evening as well. Read on!

Commoner Dregs

2012-05-13: Putting the ‘Mother’ Back in ‘Mother Fucker’

Rather than spew on and on about how much i love mothers, i thought it’d be a less fitting and more interesting tribute if i went through my a Top 10 Lips of…

10 Mothers In The Bar None

1. A good mother teaches her daughter a career

2. A smart mother teaches a career by example

3. A good mother keeps liquor out of her children’s reach

4. A proud mother takes frequent pictures of her children

5. A Fairly God Mother lives like Sleeping Beauty: Happily Ever After

6. A concerned mother provides air bags even on a bicycle

7. A protective mother looks out for her baby. And her dog. In the tub.

8. A thoughtful mother is always prepared

9. A loving mother stays by her child forever and ever. No matter what.

10. A good mother…yeah, i got nothing.

March 15, 2012: Going Native

XXXX, an Australian beer, has made the brave decision of coming out of the closet in erecting an ivory tower of support for US President Obama’s backing stance behind gay marriages. While not officially stating this, their latest promotional event makes it clear that the fourth X in their Triple X is NOT a chromosome.

Their idea is to send four mates out on an island alone, with no women. You can “banter with your mates” on this “ultimate destination for mates’ trips away”, and as for the rest, well: “The sunny sky’s the limit.

Coors Was Behind Gays Before XXXX

Celebrity Dregs

Mariah Carey at the Abbey - West Hollywood

Mariah Carey at the Abbey – West Hollywood

May 10: Smells Fishy To Me

You’ve heard of LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation), but here’s LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey). Maria Carey celebrated gay marriage in her own way by going out (and in and out and in and out and in) to The Abbey in West Hollywood which everybody knows is a lesbian bar. Hairy Carey hung out until closing time and then went somewhere else to hang out. Let’s face it, she hangs out a lot, wherever she goes.

Mariah Carey Hanging Out

Mariah Carey Hanging Out

Bar None Dregs

Drunk & Demotivated: Stinking Rich

Just to let you know, Saint Pauly posted another not unfunny review at that site he keeps afloat. What can i say? He’s got a good sense of humor, which is a good thing because he needs one with the face he’s got.

Thanks for patronizing me, Barmaids and Beerhounds,

Al K Hall

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.