Dregs of the Week: May Whatever, 2012

Click on the Shot for a Funny Ass Wallpaper

Because these dregs are all about the stupidity, and you may be surprised to learn where the stupidity really is.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Steve O: Amy Winehouse – You Know I’m No Good

[Press ‘Play’ for what Elisabetta Canabis told Steve O from the very beginning]

Commoner Dregs

Absolut Nonsense

2012/04/25: Cleanliness Is Next To Odd-liness

Stupid is as stupid drinks. Kids all over the nation, if you believe the hype, have now turned to hand sanitizer as a way to catch a buzz. Here’s the dirt: Hand Sand contains up to 70% alcohol, which makes it 140 proof, stronger than almost every alcoholic drink on the market plus you can buy it in Wall-Shart without an ID. Apparently 6 Los Angeles youths were desperate enough to get hospitalized drinking this, so now the press is talking about an epidemic. Personally, just last week i saw a gang of toddlers using bad language to goad their moms into washing their mouths out with soap. Seriously, whatever happened to the good old days when kids would sniff glue and jam vodka soaked tampons up their asses?

You wanna know what really concerns me? Here’s the real problem with his scourge:

Anyway, Meredith from “The Office” was onto this shit way before LA teens.

2012-05-02: A 2-Second Binge

Thanks to my brother from another brother, Wayne, who posted this on my Facebook wall.

Here’s an idea i can’t believe is catching on… Some Fremerican scientist has invented (that’s his American side) a stylish bottle (his French half) of pseudo booze that will get you drunk immediately. Sounds good, right? Read the small print, Barmaids and Beerhounds, it’ll last for 2 fucking seconds and costs $26 a pop. Since when did the world become interested in paying more for a lot less? Their fucking slogan should be, “It’s over fast, but at least it’s over priced.”

WA|HH Quantum Sensations: It’s Over Fast, But At Least It’s Over Priced

It’s a lot of fun but lasts under a minute? Shit, my sex life is like that, my binges might as well be, too.

Celebrity Dregs

Elisabetta Canalis

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

2012-04-19: Truth Is Stranger Than Friction

i thought the only thing that could be harder to believe than the fact that Steve O and Elisabetta Canalis broke up was the fact they were going out to begin with. But i was wrong. The crazy part to this story is that he broke up with her.

Take a second to digest this.

This guy…

broke up with this girl…

But that’s not even the whole story. You know why he broke up with her? Pour yourself a drink because you’re gonna need one.

He broke up with her because she parties too hard and he’s afraid for his sobriety. We’re talking Steve O a guy who became famous for being a Jackass, for chrissake. That guy places his sobriety above George Clooney’s drunk lingerie soft porn top model ex girlfriend. i only got one thing to say to that.

Seriously, i’ve been sober for 15 months and my life is so much better now than it was a year and a half ago that my biggest fear is losing all i’ve since gained. But even me and my gratitude would be hard pressed if some 20 something party girl (or, hotter still, Mrs D) wanted me to party with them all the time. Would i have the balls to make the right choice?

Alls i can say i’m glad i’m butt ugly enough my sobriety will never be put to that kind of test. Alls else i can say is that the freakiest thing that’s happened to me in a long time is i have a deep, deep respect for Steve O.

Steve O, brother, i got some shots of Elisabetta in my drawers that’ll take the edge off your hug addiction withdrawal.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Continue reading

Dregs of the Week: The Outskirts of April 22, 2012

Click on the Shot for Wallpaper Size

Turns out Lindsay Lohan, our resident Bar Nun, is quite the bruiser and if she isn’t that much of a bruiser she for sure is a bruisee, as the above collage will attest. She’s been up to her old tricks and no, i don’t mean selling her leathery manbag to men older than she looks, but hitting the clubs and raising hell again. So i got all kinds of good jokes about that and a commoner dreg from last year that i keep thinking about so much i gotta get it off my chesticles. Plus tons of Bar None dregs you’ll feel guilty about ignoring.

Here’s a tune not really from the juiced-box but a fitting plea from the voice of our veneration: Lindsay Lohan – My Innocence

[Press ‘play’ for Lindsay Lohan with that same old song and dance]

Commoner Dregs

December 7, 2011: Swimming with the Fishes

What’s the coolest way to commit suicide? Wrong. It’s death by piranha.

This 18-year-old Bolivian fisher kid got drunk and took his canoe to a part of the river he knew to be infested with the flesh eating fish and jumped in. Sure enough, the piranhas attacked him and he died from blood loss.

Kids, if i’ve said it once i’ve said it a thousand times: Don’t Drink and Dive.

Here are some safer alternatives:

Celebrity Dregs

The month of April: The First Rule of Night Club…

Wait a sec and enjoy the above poster before you read on. i made it myself because we’re all about the arts & craps here at the Bar None and if i told you how long i spent to get that mediocre result you’d laugh harder than you will at any of the following jokes. So just do me a favor and appreciate the picture so i get my appreciation’s worth, ok?

Onto the dirt.

The first rule of Night Club is to get in a fight with any random chick you happen to literally bump into there while you’re on parole and then let the press find out about it so they can tell everyone about Night Club. After that, the next rule of Night Club is to wait 2 weeks and go back to the exact same club and bump into someone’s car and call someone else for help…hmm…who should we call… i know! Let’s call our dad who has substance abuse problems all up in his anger issues. Picture that, Bone Man.

“Hi dad, the dude that was driving just got in a fender bender while I was the passenger, what should we do? Go in the club I just got into a fight inside the other night? Sure! You always have the best fucking ideas, dad. With guidance like this it’s amazing I turned out as fucked up as I am…”

Once inside the club, where they might not have even got drunk, some bitch started talking trash like i just did about how Lindsay was there with her dad and so Lindsay called the bitch on her shit so the bitch threw her drink on the Bar Nun.

i can’t help but think Lindsay was kinda asking for it, though, by going to a place called “Smoke and Mirrors”. With a name that lame you get what you stay for. Much better that she should hang out here, in the Bar None, where there’s absolutely no chance of her coming to fisticuffs with my patronizers and there no risk that the police will bust her anymore than she already is for her extracurricular sintertests.

Bar None Dregs

This week was a red letter day for me in The Bar None. Most of y’all don’t know because you never read this far but i opened the doors to this humble establishment on July 19, 2010 with a post called “Another Round in the Bar None“.

In August of 2010, i had a total of 39 hits for the entire month, averaging 1 little visitor a day. Yesterday alone, 5,039 of y’all stumbled in.

Last Monday, the 2 millionth patronizer passed out on these pages. i’m greatly grateful and humbly humbled that so many of you would chose this place, my place—nay, Our Place to come for your soft porn.

Speaking of not getting many hits on your blog, Saint Pauly posted another one of his trippy reviews over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

In The Same Boat: Another Patron Saint

Photo links to where i stole it from

From the juiced-box and dedicated to ITSB: Jason Brown – We’re All In The Same Boat

In my rush to flush out last night’s dregs i did the undoable and neglected to give a hearty shout out to In the Same Boat. A regular commenter here and on other non/drinking blogs, Boat is the go to god for all that concerns recovery. In addition, he also was the first ever to guest post in the Bar None when he wrote the original Manifestive.

To give you an idea of just how invaluable his participation was, is, and will continue to be to the ambiance here in the Bar None, here’s a link he unearthed and posted in a recent comment: Alcohol Content – Cost Ratio and Alcohol Content – Fat ratio.

This link will let you get more buzz for the buck.

Rich or Poor?

This link will get you less butt for the buzz.

Fat or Skinny?

For the bottom line on what’s less fattening and cheapest…go Everclear.

ITSB, brother, sorry for my oversight yesterday, must be all that seeing double for so long. Here’s a near beer (but not Beck’s, too fattening) on the house.

10 Ways i Know You’re Drunk (A Top Ten Lips)

Hey there fellow D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) and members of the D-Generation. ‘Tis i, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here with another Top 10 Lips.

As you regulars here in the Bar None know, i’ve been on the wagon for somethin’ like two weeks now and not only is this newfound sobriety scary as hell (how do normal people do sober!?), it’s also shattered my beer bottle glasses and revealed reality as it really is: Some scary shitzu.

In this alternate reality, i have seen that which no drunk should ever have to see. i have seen what we drinkers look like drunk and if that’s not enough to make you wanna curl up in a fetal ball,  whine out for mommy and weep blood profusely from both eyes then you’re still as drunk as i need to be.

Needless to say i can’t keep these frightening scenes unseen i have seen to myself, so i’m here to dump them on you. These, then, are the:

10 Ways i Know You’re Drunk

1. You insist you’re not. A lot. Loudly. Until you pass out on the bathroom floor.

2. You take off your pants—to puke.

3. You’re not a woman and that’s not your period.

4. You can’t find the barstool you’re sitting on.

5. That’s not my hand you’re shaking.

6. You’re arguing with me because i’m agreeing with you.

7. You refuse to leave a moving vehicle but you’re lying on a bed.

8. You’re convinced “pizza yogurt” is the best idea you’ve ever had.

9. [For him] There’s fur in your zipper and the dog is limping.

Some Scary Shitzu

10. [For her] You hung out with his ugly friend to meet the cute guy, but it’s late, you’re drunk, and settling for the friend seems like a good idea.

[i got other Top 10 Lips coming out my ass right here]

Are you really gonna let me have all the fun? Don’t be shy. Make this a collaborative effort and leave your favorite ways in the comments section.

10 Attributes Of A Good Bartender (A Top 10 Lips)

It’s me, your tender bartender here at The Bar None with another list of tips & changes.

What sets a good bartender apart from someone who just pours beer into your glass? Like i have a clue. i’m a better drink drinker than drink maker.

Still, i know what kind of bartender i’m trying to be here and i wrote them down because, well because i wouldn’t be able to remember my own name if i hadn’t had it tattooed upside down on my gut.

Having written it down, i figured i’d share it with y’all, fellow members of the D-Generation.

From the juiced-box and dedicated to bartenders everywhere…

Bob Margolin – Blues For Bartenders

A Good Bartender is:

1. Attractive

2. Compassionate / Understanding

3a. Discerning (when deciding to cut you off)

3b. Diplomatic (when they cut you off)

4. Friendly

5. Skilled

Click On Image For A Large

6. Generous

7. Funny

8. Good Listener / Good Talker

9. Nonjudgmental

10. Forgetful (which makes it easier to stay friends)

Here’s a bonus round for the regulars…

Click To Make It Grow

20 Things To Say When Refusing A Drink (A Top 20 Lips)

As the FASe (Functional Alcoholic Slurperson) of the D-Generation, i’m here to offer tips & changes on everything about alcohol, including not drinking.

Maintaining the buzz of 10 Things To Say While Getting Another Drink (which was boosted thanks to a generous review on a site called Smak News) and following my fiancée’s recommendation, i’m posting today a list of 20 things to say to refuse a drink—during tomorrow night’s celebrations or any time you’ve hit your limit and don’t want your limit hitting back.

So for the T-Totallers and the totally wasted, i offer this list of responses to “Do you want a drink?” It’s a day early so you have time to memorize them before New Year’s Eve.

Enjoy yourselves and, as always, thanks once again for patronizing me.

From the juiced-box: Tori Amos – Our New Year

“Do You Want A Drink?”

1. “I’m allergic. It makes me break out in stupid.”

2. “Ok, but the judge said you need to write up a waiver for me to sign first.”

3. “Shoot, just when i was starting to enjoy myself.”

4. “Sorry, I’m saving myself for Remy Martin.”

Remy Martin Cognac Black Pearl Louis XIII = $10,000 / bottle

5. “Why, do I look like I need one?”

6. “No thanks, I’ve had enough this lifetime.”

7. “Ok, but I get to puke in your car when I drive it home.”

8. “Nope, I’ve already used up my idiot quota for the day.”

9. “You just want to post the pictures, doncha.”

10. “Yeah, you look like the kind of person I could be sick on.”

11. “Only if you babysit me while I slobber on your shoulder for the next 8-10 hours.”

12. “Nope, you’re not that cute and I’m not that stupid.”

13. “Sure, I’ll have a virgin Rum & Coke.”

14. “Your eyes say ‘Yes’ but the voices in my head are screaming ‘NO! NO!’.”

15. “No thanks, I’m the designated smart person.”

16. “I’ll give you a buck if you ask my sponsor that.”

17. “Only if you hold my hair while i call God on the big white phone.”

18. “Thanks anyway, I’ve been down that road and got way lost.”

19. “Hmm…It has been awhile since I last killed.”

20. “No thanks, it messes with the meth.”