Breaking Dawn 2 Poster Bar None Booze Revooze

From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Rob Pattinson – It’s All On You

[Press ‘Play’ for something far too genuine for Twilight]

Breaking Dawn 2 Bar None Booze Revooze

Here’s the mandatory cell phone shots as proof

Yeppers, the date on the poster is 11/16/12 and here i am posting this on 11/14/12 because we got this in Yeaman on Wednesday. Don’t be hating, rather be thanking me for sacrificing myself by seeing this before you so i can warn you away shouting “Save Yourselves!” while i try to wash the shit from my stinking eyes.

Ramblings: Breaking Down

Final Proof: 1 ½ Shots

1 & 1-2 shot bar none booze revooze

You know how you you get drunk at Applebees? You’re surrounded not by cliche’s but by imitation cliches printed up in some factory in Boonies, Iowa and the beer tastes like beer but the buzz doesn’t feel like drunk rather like whatever the opposite of motion sickness is like stagnation sickness or demotion sickness because Applebees doesn’t go anywhere and makes you feel lower than when you started like fake snow just sitting at the bottom of a cheap plastic snow globe waiting for something to shake it up and make things happen but you can keep waiting because the waitresses keep changing and you can’t find any consistency beyond the sissy mocktails that keep appearing in front of you refusing to get you off like the hostess in her fake uniform standing not like a clone but like a robot of a clone. In the end the drama is as hollow as the cheap snow globe and the love is as sincere as the smile of an aging waitress stuck in the middle of her second shift. That’s what Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 2) reeks of.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“You just marked your territory on my leg, asshole.”

To be fair, i knew i wasn’t gonna like Twilight: BD 2 even before i went. To be super fair, i hated it even worse than i thought i ever could and to be super fucking fair they didn’t have to make it so goddamn easy to hate it.

Seriously, they didn’t even try to live up to the previous episodes. i felt like i was humping a prostitute whose makeup was rapidly disintegrating and she’d stopped caring long before i did and she already had my money so she wasn’t even going to pretend to try, just lie there and wait for it all to end. Which reminds me of the ending to this movie and i’m not going to give away any spoilers here but What The Hell, people? i don’t know if the ending of the book is the same of the movie but oh my god, if the book ended the same way i don’t get why teens all over the nation didn’t band together and burn Stephanie Meyer at the stake with a bonfire built of the last pages of this flaming shit.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 02 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

A Better End

Was it really so bad? No, of course not…it was way fucking worse than that. Take the special effects. The effects were ‘special’ all right, short bus, safety leash, drool cup special. Who knew you could do CGI with a kindergarten pencil? You know what they CGIed here, because i’m gonna tell you right now. They CGIed the fucking baby and made it look like a monkey in a dress with Steve Buscemi’s face.

What else was bad? i can’t say the acting was bad—because there wasn’t any acting. It was just a bunch of interchangeable people standing around looking at each other and pouting. There was already no content to the story so they took this concept about as rich as decaf airplane tea and watered it down to make it last 2 hours. i’d like to say the script was bad, so i will. The script was fucking horrible with jokes that fell flat, inconsistencies and what the fucks aplenty, and characters who appear and disappear for no reason.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 03 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“That’s right, Renesmee, slap mommy again. She was a bad mommy who did the nasty with the bad director.”

Here’s what i hope. i hope at least one person reading this is offended and pissed off and leaves a comment full of venom and vitriol [it must me a word, spell check didn’t flag it] defending this movie because i would love to see what anyone can see in this movie. Please, i’m begging you here people, one fucking redeemable quality, that’s all i ask.

Speaking of redeemable qualities, Dakota Fanning is now officially 18 but i think some of the shots floating to the bottom of the barrel online are still of her underage so i prefer to card her here and i’ll make more of an effort to find sexy pics for next time. Nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None.

Dakota Fanning 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Sure, the women here are very attractive and they stay that way until their pert little lips slowly part and the insipid comments and flat voices fall out of their mouths like a dead tongue wanting to be french kissed.

We might as well start off with Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan dive) who shows some of her bare back and kind of rapes Rob Pattinson with her super human vampire strength in a scene that probably isn’t too far from reality and goes a long way towards explaining why Rupert Sanders ended up her huntsman. Here’s some happy hunting, to be sure. Let us prey.

Kristen Stewart 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Kristen Stewart Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i got more single shots of Kristen in my drawers, down at the bottom. All you gotta do is click on the “Read More” link at the end of the review to open up that can of worm.

The coolest actress in this one by far was Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen) who is one sexy badass. Unfortunately, she’s absent for most of the movie and when you see the whole movie you understand why her character chose to flee at the beginning. Here’s what you missed.

Ashley Greene 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Ashley Greene Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There are single shots of her in my drawers as well, at the end of the review.

Speaking of underused as a tampon in a Vampire’s bathroom, the ultimate Maggie Grace soaked up the screen while she filled it, but was discarded far to quickly and easily for my taste. Here’s something more lingering for you to savor.

Maggie Grace 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Maggie Grace Bar None Booze Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

More shots of her in my drawers as well. What can i say, i have busy drawers tonight.

Silken Butterflies

There were several ladies who lit up the screen and my only complaint about them is that they weren’t up there more than they were.

For example, there was Casey LaBow as Kate.

Casey LaBow 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Angela Sarafyan as Tia:

Angela Sarafyan 01 in the Bar None Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Angela Sarafyan 01 in the Bar None

And the stunning Christie Burke as “Renesmee (Young Woman)”

Christie Burke 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

For those of you more into the pricks than the sucking, Jacob (Taylor Lautner) hooks up with Renesmee which is weird enough when you think he spends half his life as a where wolf, but what’s even worse is that he “imprints” on her when she’s just born. Wow. i’m pretty sure imprinting on chicks without consent is against the law in every state except Alaska because they grow ’em different up there but jesus, imprinting on a minor? On a baby minor?!

Taylor Lautner 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Are you understanding me, people? In this story, a giant dog falls in love with a newborn. Can you wrap your head around this? It’s fucking pedo-bestaility and this movie is rated PG-13? Where i come from this a special kind of sick and the only kind of punishment cruel and unusual enough for that shit is to make the guilty partiers watch Twilight Breaking Down (Part 2) in a loop.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 04 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“Please stop imprinting on me Uncle Jacob. It’s creepy and leaves stains on my dress.”

To punish Taylor, i’m posting a wallpaper of him with not just a shirt on, but a whole suit. You know what Taylor Lautner can do to a suit? Make it look pretty fucking ridiculous.

Taylor Lautner Suit Up Taylor Lautner 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Taylor Lautner Suit Up Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Last on my least is Robert Pattinson who i feel for. Really. OK, so he can’t act, no one else in this movie can anyway. More importantly, he’s young and handsome and his hot girlfriend cheated on him in front of the whole world. It’s bad enough to be humiliated but to be humiliated on a global level…for your shame to go viral, man, that’s a new brand of suck for you to deal with. Plus, he’s so confused he even took her back which just means it’s going to happen again. Trust me. i know. It. Will. Happen. Again. Poor bastard. And he’s such a talented mother fucker as well and if you don’t believe me just go up and listen to the song i posted at the beginning of this post that you didn’t listen to when you had the chance and you should’ve. Poor bastard.

Robert Pattinson 01 Musician Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Robert Pattinson Musician Bar None Wallpaper

Robert Pattinson Musician Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i got some drunk shots of him floating in my drawers, as well.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • J Jenks drinks whiskey in a Seattle restaurant
  • Dad drinks beer while opening presents

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

i almost could’ve gone ½ shot on this but the fight scene at the end was the least boring scene and then they even rip that out from under you.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 05 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“I can beat you with one hand stuck up my ass.”

Here’s how Rock and Roll this movie was. Bella’s first kill as a vampire: She renounces a human kill for a deer—already very tame—but then she attacks a cougar that is jumping to attack the deer. Yes. The only time we see her feed in the whole movie is when she’s saving a deer’s life.

The least bad song of the movie is “The Forgotten” by Green Day.

There was also a nice song i can’t find a good copy of online called “All I’ve Ever Needed” by Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed (who also plays Rosalie Hale in the film).

Boring Technical Crap

Twilight Book Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze RevoozeWritten by:

Stephenie Meyer(novel Breaking Dawn)
Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay)

Directed by: Bill Condon


Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Maggie Grace – Irina
Dakota Fanning – Jane
Andrea Powell – Sasha
Casey LaBow – Kate
Angela Sarafyan – Tia
Christie Burke – Renesmee (Young Woman)
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

Never. Don’t you ever. Don’t you dare.

Breaking Dawn 1 Poster Bar None Booze Revooze

Click to Read My Slaughter of Breaking Dawn Part 1

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Put a stake through the heart of this post ’cause it’s dead and gone. All that’s left is the pretty pictures of the actors and actresses. Click on the “Continue Reading” link to see what that’s like.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of ECLIPSE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Black Keys – Chop And Chan

Ramblings: Twi-lite

"This is my Undecided pout."

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you go to get drunk at a high school party and not even one thrown by cool kids whose parents are out of town but by some Christian kid in his basement where his parents promise to stay upstairs? You hope at least the punch is packing but it’s not spiked because of all the vampire wannabe’s, so there’s no booze and the only kind of action you get is sophomoric melodrama love triangles that are pointless because none of the sides are even dry humping each other. The only sex in the party is french kissing without the added touch of heavy petting and you are so far beyond these dweebs in every thought you’ve ever had, ever drink you’ve ever drunk, everything you’ve ever done that you know before you go that you have no business inflicting yourself on their poor saved souls. So yeah, Twilight: Eclipse is kinda like that sad high school party.

What do you want me to tell you? This movie is like a pink lady or other girlie cocktail: not made for me. i will say i hated this one less than i hated the previous one, New Moon, but that’s paramount to saying getting stabbed in my left eye didn’t hurt as much as being stabbed in my right eye.

"This is my Horny pout."

i’m thinking i pretty much shouldn’t be allowed to review any movie that will be on the covers of notebooks in supermarket back-to-school sale bins. Or kiddie sheets—i definitely should not be permitted to critique any film that could spawn a sheet set for a toddler’s bed. i need to remember to stay with the kind movie that would make a good tat or that you could whack off to. Something like that.

There’s just nothing cool about this movie. Nothing. The sad thing is that it’s starting to deteriorate Kristen Stewart’s acting. She was pretty decent in Into The Wild and now this third installment of Twinklight is so sugar sappy sweet that’s it’s decaying her acting chops away to nothing.

"This is my Please Shoot Me pout."

You ever see a girl act with her pout? Unbelievable. It’s like, “Here’s my sexy pout. Here’s my sad pout. Here’s my angry pout. Here’s my favorite, it’s my incredulous pout and you’re gonna see it a lot because I can’t freaking believe all the attention this crap is giving me.”

i sure as hell can’t believe it, either.

Guess what. As Dakota Fanning is still too young to know better, i’m gonna have to card her here. Nothing age inappropriate in the Bar None, yo.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Plenty of hot girls, the only problem is none of them were doing anything hot, but then again, it wasn’t entirely their fault. For example, there’s one scene where Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are all alone in the house and lying on the bed and making out with all their clothes on and Bella starts begging Ed to drive his tube stake deep into her and….he says No. He takes a pass on that and stands up to leave.

Before we get any deeper into the sexy bits, here’s a song from the soundtrack to scroll by: Sia – My Love

One of the reasons i’m being generous with my rating here is that there were 5 times we got to see Kristen Stewart’s butt (which is 20-years-old) in jeans.

Can anyone tell me why her belt is on backwards? Is this like “hip” fashion?

Apart from that, the most we get out of Bella is a lot of kissing. She’s the kissing slut in the basement closet of this freshman party. Here’s a little more than that.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be more single shots of her served up in my drawers. Scroll down for that.

Still fiercely clinging to my metaphor, we got Jessica (Anna Kendrick) as the slow friend of the party. Jessica may be the class valedictorian, but it’s gotta be pretty easy to ace your senior year when, like Anna, you’re nearly 25.

There’s single shots of her held back in my drawers as well. This means Kristen Stewart and Anna Kendrick are hanging out in my drawers together, dawg.

The other main cutie in this bad boy is Ashley Greene (23), as Alice Cullen. As impressive as her acting talents is seeing her nipple poking all the way through her thick leather coat. That’s a skill they can’t teach in theater class.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Some more single shots of her are hanging with the rest at the bottom of my drawers.

i jotted down in my notes that Victoria was hotter in this movie than New Moon. Turns out my eye for the sexy is more finely attuned than we thought because putting this post together i found out they changed actresses. Last time we had Rachel Lefevre and they switched her out for Bryce Dallas Howard (29).

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Yep, still some more shots of her in the drawers.

Silken Butterflies

First off, we got Julia Jones (29) who does well in the role of smoldering Leah Clearwater; course “smoldering” is easy for her ’cause she’s smoking hot.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Second off, we got Monique Ganderton (29), stuntwoman and sexy civil war flashback vampire. She must be a good actress, she speaks with an accent and everything.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

For those of you more interested in stakes than hearts, we got Robert Pattinson (24) as Edward Cullen.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Here’s Rob in the Bar None.

Rob Pattinson after the Bar None

The only line that cracked me up in the movie (OK,  the only line that cracked me up and was meant to crack me up) was when Ed sees Jacob (Taylor Lautner–18) topless and says “Doesn’t he own a shirt?”

Click On It To Make It Grow

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • Bella’s dad drinks “R” beer [wtf?]
  • Some guys are drunk in an alley in a prohibition flashback
  • Negative points because there’s a high school graduation party and no one drinking alcohol. And you thought vampires hanging with werewolves wasn’t realistic…

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: ½ Shot

We got The Black Keys up above and we also got us some Florence & The Machine (who i actually first discovered in Jennifer’s Body). Apart from these two tunes, the soundtrack was pretty super lame. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this:

  1. Metric – Eclipse (All Yours)
  2. Muse – Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever)
  3. The Bravery – Ours
  4. Florence & The Machine – Heavy In Your Arms
  5. Sia – My Love
  6. Fanfarlo – Atlas
  7. Chop And Change – The Black Keys
  8. The Dead Weather – Rolling In On A Burning Tire
  9. Beck and Bat For Lashes – Let’s Get Lost
  10. Vampire Weekend – Jonathan Low
  11. Unkle  – With You In My Head (Feat. The Black Angels)
  12. Eastern Conference Champions – A Million Miles An Hour
  13. Band Of Horses – Life On Earth
  14. Cee Lo Green – What Part Of Forever
  15. Jacob’s Theme – Howard Shore

Anyway, here’s the Florence & The Machine tune:

There was some music that was not even close enough to rock to be included in the same sentence as the word “rock” at the high school graduation party.

There was also some music not as pop as the rest of the pop during the scene where southern accent vampire teaches everyone how to fight newborn vampires.

As for rock and roll action, there was a fight scene with vampires and werewolves against baby (“newborn”) vampires. Cool enough but way too short.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stephenie Meyer – Novel

Melissa Rosenberg – Screenplay

Directed by: David Slade


Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan

Dakota Fanning – Jane

Anna Kendrick – Jessica

Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen

Bryce Dallas Howard – Victoria

Julia Jones – Leah Clearwater

Monique Ganderton – Beautiful Vampiress

Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen

Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

Don’t see it unless you’re a fourteen-year-old church youth group member, or trying to impress one.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Kristen Stewart (20)

Kristen Stewart in the Bar None

Anna Kendrick (24)

Ashley Greene (23)

Ashley Greene in the Bar None

Bryce Dallas Howard (29)

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