Happy Swalloween in the Bar None

i’ve decided to start a tradition, if “tradition” means fucking up the same way twice. Which it does. So i’m taking down last year’s dead meat and hanging up some fresh shit for ’tis the season to be drunk.

From the juiced-box: The Pretty Reckless – Zombie

[Press ‘Play’ for a song that will make you cum to life]

To kick things off in the ass, here’s something i can’t believe has not yet caught on.

Bar None Swalloween 01

How has this not become a thing?

Concerning my dressing, this year i’ve decided to come as…much as possible. Here are some other killer costumes.

Bar None Swalloween 02 Expose yourself

Expose Yourself

Bar None Swalloween 03 Jager Bomber

Jager Bomber

Bar None Swalloween 04 Very Deep Throat

Very Deep Throat

Bar None Swalloween 05 Kool Aids

Kool Aids

Bar None Swalloween 06 Wine-Oh!

Wine-Oh!

Bar None Swalloween 07 Trick or Teat

Trick or Teat

Bar None Swalloween 08 Super Drunk Girl

Super Drunk Girl

This is where i keep the surprisingly popular Celebrity Halloween Costumes.

And the children! We can’t forget about the children! What would Halloween be without the little weenies?

Bar None Swalloween 09

Yes, it’s dated, but so have you.

Bar None Swalloween 10 Living Doll

Living Doll

Mad Boy

Mad Boy

Whatever you go as, make sure you go in piece…one piece.

Bar None Swalloween 12 Go Home, Skeleton, you're drunk

Finally, just in case all this fun has made you forget that i’m balls deep in recovery

Bar None Swalloween 13

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of KICK-ASS


[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Pretty Reckless – Make Me Wanna Die

[Press ‘Play’ for a Gossip Grrrl]

Ramblings: Kick-Ass Does

Final Proof: 4 1/2 shots

You know how you get drunk with a kid on his 21st birthday? You meet him at his place and the night starts off slowly while you get to know him but you like him right from the get-go because he’s funny and kinda cute and reminds you of yourself a little when he was your age and he has the coolest attitude pro’lly because you get the vibe that he likes you back and that even if the whole party is about him, he wants to be sure you have a good time, too. Then, when the party really kicks off, he’s a sweet drunk that knows a lot of other cool kids and hot girls who are way too young for you but that really doesn’t matter because you’re not there to hook up, just have a good time and, man, do you ever have a good time. It’s one of those nights where things just fall into place and you have all these crazy adventures involving hottie-stalking drug dealers and microwaves big enough to nuke a man but you know it’s that kind of night where the worse thing that could ever happen is the locals complain you’re laughing too hard. The best thing about this kind of night where you tie one on with a kid who’s legally a grown up but is still just a geeky kid? You know from the very beginning you’re not gonna have a hangover the day after. Yeah, Kick-Ass is just like that kid and just like that night.

You know what Kick-Ass has? Balls. A huge set. Balls the size of baby heads. i swear to god, you ain’t never seen an Ass with such big balls. ‘Cause it woulda been so easy to go all PG-13 on this flick but to do that would be to castrate the bastard and you know what that means. It means Kick-Ass would have no balls.

Some people are gonna wanna tell you that Kick-Ass is too violent. Don’t listen to that bull. The film needs to be violent on a congenital level to fulfill its destiny. To make a movie for those who share the age of the actors would be to castrate the film, and you know what that means so don’t make me go there again.

Think about it. Chloë Grace Moretz was 12 while making the movie, which means she’s too young to see it because her character violently kills tons of people, uses the ‘C’ word once and the ‘F’ word a couple times. But if she had said “you jerks” and “screw you” instead, the movie woulda sucked. Matthew Vaughn, the director, made a ballsy choice to go balls out on this film and it pays off big time.

The thing i appreciated most about Kick-Ass was its ability to constantly surprise me throughout. i love movies that take standard clichés and put them on their ass. From the young super hero wanna-be who never becomes one to Damon Macready shooting his daughter Mindy, i was frequently caught off guard and if you’ve seen as many movies as i have, seeing the unpredictable is refreshing. OK, the ending gets as traditional as cheap wine at a Thanksgiving dinner with your grandparents, but the incredibly shot action scenes kept me from falling asleep.

As for the actors, well, i thought Aaron Johnson did a Kick-Ass job as Dave Lizewski / Kick-Ass and Nicolas Cage wasn’t bad enough to destroy the movie. i’m thinking Matthew Vaughn cut his scenes to a bare minimum to reduce the risk of another Ghost Rider crash & burn.

To wrap this up, you never read my Booze Revooze of 500 Days of Summer but you shoulda. If you had, you would know what kind of wild genius i am. i don’t wanna gush too much about myself because that would imply masturbation but who was it that said about Chloë Grace Moretz, “Keep an eye on her, she’s one to watch”? Wait, i know, it was me in that review i just mentioned that you didn’t read. Go back and read it, you don’t believe me, you unfair somsabitches.

Speaking of Chloë Grace, you got it, i gotta card her here. She’s only 12 and thus too young for the sexy. As is policy here at The Bar None, nothing age inappropriate.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

i’m not gonna lie to you, there’s no nudity in this bad boy. Like at all. But we got other stuff.

Like we got Lyndsy Fonseca (23) as Katie Deauxma, Dave Lizewski / Kick-Ass’ love interest. There’s this one scene where she thinks he’s gay and she asks him to apply tanning lotion while she’s naked and holding her hands over her bare bosoms. Ummm…bosoms. And then, later, when she finds out he’s not gay, they make out and he gropes her. With his super hero gardening gloves still on. Think of them as thick, yellow, leather boob condoms.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Look in my drawers (scroll down, you can’t miss them) for the indie shots of Lyndsy.

What else we got? We got us some Silken Butterflies.

Silken Butterflies

We got a couple minutes of Dave Lizewski beating off into a kleenex. Even better is what excited him so much: Down blouses of his large chested English teacher, Mrs Zane, who (in his fantasies) takes off her blouse and caresses herself, calling out young Dave’s name. Anyway, here’s Deborah Twiss (38)…

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Do we got better? Hell yes we do. In the scene in Rasul’s drug den, there’s this stunning brunette who, when Kick-Ass asks for Rasul, grabs her boobs over her slinky red dress and says something like, “I’m Rasul, can’t you see from my titties?” Bothers and Sissies, i give you Katrena Rochell (and her titties) who appeared collectively as Rita, The Junkie.

You wanna know what kicks even more ass? i interviewed this angel for The Booze Talkin’! Now who rocks The Bar None, babes? Al does. Just sayin’.

For those of you who prefer Big Daddies to Hit Girls, this is Aaron Johnson (19).

Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper

Aaron Johnson In The Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 1 shot

Definitely the weak link of the film. Basically the only thing resembling a booze reference is when Kick-Ass goes over to Rasul’s (the drug dealer) place and there’s tons of empty wine and champagne bottles sitting around all over the place. Oh yeah, and Katrena Rochelle, the hot actress who plays Rita The Junkie (did i mention i’m interviewing her?), breaks a bottle of wine on the table to attack Hit-Girl with and it doesn’t work out.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 5 shots

Yep, only the second time i’ve ever given a 5 shot rating (the first being for the drinking in Crazy Heart). Here, it is doubly deserved for two reasons. The first is the action. There’s tons of action here, babes, along with very cool comic book violence. You wanna talk rock & roll attitude? Kick-Ass has become the new definition for rock & roll attitude by which all other movies will now be judged.

So we got that. But what else? Check this out, from the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Primal Scream – Can’t Go Back

Here’s the entire soundtrack for y’all, ’cause i’m nothing if i’m not thorough.

  1. The Prodigy – Stand Up
  2. Mika Vs. Redone – Kick Ass (We Are Young)
  3. Primal Scream – Can’t Go Back
  4. The Little Ones – There’s A Pot A Brewin’
  5. The Prodigy – Omen
  6. The Pretty Reckless – Make Me Wanna Die
  7. The Dickies – Banana Splits
  8. Ellie Goulding – Starry Eyed
  9. Sparks – This Town Ain’t Big Enough For The Both Of Us
  10. The New York Dolls – We’re All In Love
  11. Zongamin – Bongo Song
  12. Ennio Morricone – Per Qualche Dollaro In Piu
  13. The Hit Girls – Bad Reputation
  14. Elvis Presley – An American Trilogy

If you wanna hear any of these, just let me know and i’ll post it/them for you. i’m your tender bartender and i’m here to serve you.

Here’s a shot for Ken: The Hit Girls – Bad Reputation

Here’s a shot ordered up by Josh (actually, he was more interested in the sound byte at the beginning): The Dickies – Banana Splits

For those of you who’ve made it this far, Miss Demeanor and i have this debate goin’. i posted a song by The Pretty Reckless at the top of this review. i know you didn’t listen to it, so do me a favor and scroll back to the top and give it a good listen. It’s OK, i’ll wait… Done? So, what do you think? No, really. Not bad, right? Well, Miss D says it can’t be good because Taylor Momsen (of Gossip Girl fame) sings it. i say it’s a good song even if a good looking girl sings it.

What do you think?

If you picked the right answer, there’s a reward waiting for you at the bottom of the post.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Mark Millar & John S. Romita Jr. (comic book)

Jane Goldman & Matthew Vaughn (screenplay)

Directed by: Matthew Vaughn

Starring

Chloë Grace Moretz – Mindy Macready / Hit-Girl

Lyndsy Fonseca – Katie Deauxma

Katrena Rochell – Rita, Female Junkie

Deborah Twiss – Mrs. Zane

Sophie Wu – Erika Cho

Aaron Johnson – Dave Lizewski / Kick-Ass

Nicolas Cage – Damon Macready / Big Daddy

Bottom Line

See it or i’ll kick your ass.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Lyndsy Fonseca (23)


Bonus Round

Taylor Momsen and The Pretty Reckless

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Click here for a taste of my other Booze Revoozes