Final Proof: 2½ out of 5
Final Proof: 2½ out of 5
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with someone in a coma? You sit there for a couple hours pouring vodka into his IV bag waiting for him to wake up or do something interesting and maybe once or twice he has a crisis and so you get bursts of excitement when they come in with their crash carts and shit to revive him but then it’s back to just sitting there in a very hi-tech room where nothing really goes down or comes up except a heavy buzz that drags you down and you have to fight against it to stay awake. That’s what Oblivion was like.
We’ll grow old and fat together, and fight and drink too much.
Rock & Roll:
Boring Technical Crap
Joseph Kosinski: graphic novel and original story
Karl Gajdusek and Michael DeBruyn: screenplay
Directed by: Joseph Kosinski
Tom Cruise … Jack
Morgan Freeman … Beech
Olga Kurylenko … Julia
Andrea Riseborough … Victoria
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau … Sykes
Melissa Leo … Sally
Zoe Bell … Kara
Perfect if you’ve ODed on uppers and need something to help you come down. This film could take the inventor of the Starbuck’s taste challenge out for a nap.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Eminem (feat Pink) – Won’t Back Down
Yeaman, once again, received this movie shitloads before the Americans and i don’t know what y’all in the States did to piss off whoever the fuck it was that decides these things but the powers that be-came to Yeaman where i watched this and snapped stills like this just so you’d believe i was there.
The rest of the stills are in the drawers. Just scroll all the way down ’til you hit the link to click on to get into my drawers.
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a high class call girl? Ooh, she knows which of your buttons to push and when to push them and how to push them just right because she makes a business of doing pleasure with you while you lay back and let the pleasure wash through you and out of you like the warm rolling waves of intoxication carrying you overboard until you drown in the ecstasy only to wake up cold and wet and alone because you were way deeper into her than she ever was in you and she was only going through the motions when she took you for your ride but what a fucking ride it was all the way around the world and anyway, you weren’t paying her to be sincere, just to take you away for a couple hours. That’s what Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol was like.
[Cue Mission Impossible Theme: Da – da da duh dada Da- da da duh dada nene-oo – nene-oo (Da – da da…)]
There i was at work and i knew the movie was premiering early and i was supposed to be working on reports and taking some calls but i cleared my phone schedule and walked right out the front door acting all normal even though i was cutting out prematurely and the boss was watching me… Then, i didn’t have enough time to eat dinner so i had a candy, popcorn and Coke Zero dinner (see photo) at the theater and to top off this action packed excursion to the movies i also had an impossible mission which was to stay awake because i’d been sleeping around 4 hours a night every night and that was catching up to me so would i be able to stay awake for the whole film after a 2-course (popcorn and candy) meal?
Nene-oo, nene-oo Da -da da duh dada…
Cutting to the chase, like a cheap hooker on meth-laced Irish coffee it was mercifully easy to stay awake the entire time. There was a lot of action and what worked in MI: Ghost Protocol was that the action scenes were strung together well and that the scenes were both rather original and well shot.
Sometimes action movies only have two or three action scenes and the rest of the movie is guys crying and sharing their feelings, or sometimes there’s a lot of lazy action when the director can’t squeeze out any original ideas so he pinches everyone else’s and you get one cliche car chase followed by a hackneyed karate fight scene, but not here, man. Here the action comes non-stop and hard and you even get Tom Cruise doing his own stunts which gives this puppy a certain credibility.
The acting? The acting was perfect because there was none of it. We don’t fucking need acting if we have action, all we need is Paula Patton, Tom Cruise and Jeremy Renner looking good while they do exciting shit and that works.
There were some downers to this. First off, everyone’s gonna tell you this movie was funny because it had humor mixed in with the action which is bullshit. They dragged Simon Pegg into MI: Ghost Protocol just for these moments but it’s all just standard boring obligatory comedy you’ve already seen on Get Smart reruns—not as edgy as the action, s’what i’m saying.
What else sucked? The CGI kind of. Sometimes it really worked (the sand storm) but other times (Red Square explosion) it looked like it was a teenager playing with his mom’s cell phone camera and an old version of Picasa, which was distracting. And that’s about all the sucky parts, which is why i liked Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol better than all the other Mission Impossibles especially because i can’t even remember any of them.
It’s worth the wait, babes.
Sex: 2 shots
The first thing i jotted down in my notebook was about how the first three names in the opening credits were all guys. “In technical movie review terms, we critics refer to this as ‘A Bad Sign’,” is what i wrote exactly.
On the other hand (and that way you can pretend it’s someone else’s), i kinda get that because this movie was all about the action and the director didn’t want to get it bogged down with romance, which is just fine with me because i don’t come to these things to watch awkward pretend kissing and uncomfortable sexual gyrating because i get enough of that shit at home. Truth be told, i was even pleasantly surprised the director resisted the temptation to stick in a romance where it wan’t necessary and didn’t even belong.
Still, would it have killed anyone to inject a few bathing suit scenes or gratuitous boobage in this movie? The closest we come (which is to say we don’t come at all) to that is Paula Patton changing down to a bra in the back of a taxi.
The lead female actor is Paula Patton (36) who does not get any romance on but who cares as long as we get to look at her looking like this.
There are literally tons more shots of her in my drawers down at the bottom of the post, after the “Continue Reading” link. (And yes, “literally tons” because if you add up all her weight in all the pictures i’ma post of her then it comes to tons, so stop splitting hairs and get back to enjoying this shit.)
Thrown into the mix is 26-year-old mademoiselle française who’s hot because she’s a 26-year-old française mademoiselle named Léa Seydoux who has an accent on her name an everything which makes her butt loads exotic. i’m thinking about adding one to my name, to: Al K Hàll. What do yo think? Not as convincing as this, i bet.
For those of you who are less into “Miss Shins” than “Posse Bulls” (oh shut up, i know) we get Tom Cruise (39):
There’s also a couple handsome wallpapers of him in the drawers (’cause i got Tom Cruise in my drawers, yo), just go beyond the “Continue Reading” click.
There’s also some of that Jeremy Renner (40) action.
And more in the drawers. With Tom Cruise. Jeremy Renner and Tom Cruise are both in my drawers, is what i’m saying.
Finally, we got some Josh Holloway. Why? Good question. He’s in the movie, is why, and he’s in the movie because Bad Robot helped produce this and Bad Robot is J J Abrams’ company and it created Lost which had Josh Holloway. Just like Bad Robot produced the only good Star Trek movie and Simon Pegg was in that as Scottie and so JJ brought him over to be in this one, too.
Anyway, here’s Josh. Just Josh ‘n’…
Shh, it’s a secret but there’s an extra special bonus collage all the way at the very bottom of my drawers down there.
Drink: 2½ Shots
Not so bad, actually. i mean, sure, alcohol wasn’t a fundamental part of the show but it didn’t need to be and there were enough references to keep a drinker satisfied. Here’s the dirt from my notes…
Rock & Roll: 4 Shots
Not a lot of rock music but this movie kicked so much ass it’s shoes smell like the shit. Plus, there’s the Eminem song they play with the trailer, but i’m not sure i remember that actually being in the movie. Still, if you’re looking for a cool version of the Mission Impossible Theme…
Josh Appelbaum & André Nemec
Bruce Geller (television series “Mission: Impossible”)
Directed by: Brad Bird
Paula Patton – Jane
Léa Seydoux – Sabine MoreauTom Cruise – Ethan Hunt
Jeremy Renner – Brandt
Simon Pegg – Benji
Josh Holloway – Hanaway
If i can succeed my Mission Impossible and stay awake through this after only 3 hours sleep, you can certainly handle it.
Click “Continue reading” to access the Drawers where i keep the extra sexy and extra, sexy photos.