Booze Revooze: Machete Kills

Machete Kills 01 poster AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Tito Tarantula – Machete Main Title Theme

[Press ‘Play’ to spice up this review]

Don’t you hate it when a new post comes out on some famous blog and assholes all over the world rush to comment just one word?

FIRST!

Silly assholes, that’s what cellphone cameras are for. Here’s proof i saw Machete Kills before you.

Machete Kills 02 proof AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

This shot represents Jessica Alba’s total screen time in the flick

Machete Kills 03 proof AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Machete Kills 04 proof AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Ramblings: Machete Scratches

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk in a Chili’s? It’s a nice enough place to get a buzz on but do you really want to get shitfaced someplace ‘nice’? Are as high as your aspirations go getting all fucked up in a family restaurant that has pictures of its laminated drinks on a menu and chick waiters with name tags? Wouldn’t you rather raise hell in hell itself at the bottom of a barrel place where you can’t tell the spilled beer from the spilled guts and the only reason girls go to the bathroom together is to make sure they make it back alive and intact? In a real fucking drunk you don’t risk getting cut off you risk getting cut, the only thing you designate drivers for is outrunning the cops and the only reason to lower your voice is for death or another gulp. Leave Chili’s to ethnic poser professionals out on a quick flirt before returning home to their spouses… If you’re gonna fucking get drunk then go all out balls to the wall no holds bared pulling no punches kicking ass and tasting fame drunk. Machete the First was fucking drunk, Machete Kills is as much a letdown as trying to cop a buzz on colorful cocktails with next to no liquor content and names as fruity as the waiter in a motherfucking Chili’s.

Machete Kills 05 chango AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

“Batman?”

i like Robert Rodriguez. Like a lot. Roget is still looking for new words to describe how fucking awesome Sin City is, but i also really liked From Dusk to Dawn and The Faculty. Hell, i even liked the Spy Kids movies, and i really got into the B-genres like Planet Terror and someone’s still pro’lly cleaning off the back of the seat in front of me from when i saw the first Machete.

Rodriguez has this cool way of taking cliches and then anal raping them, like you order a beer and then when you’re in the middle of it you realize he spiked it with acid. You don’t know where he’s going and he gets you there in a hurry, with style. Like in a convertible. Or a minivan with a rocking sound system (but a super fast and really cool minivan, though).

Machete Kills 06 chango AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Barbie Landspeeder

The problem is i expected him to take me on the same ride with Machete Kills but all he did was ride me. The hard way. i expected most of the surprises he threw at me so he didn’t catch me off guard. Sure it was fun to see famous people doing cameos all over the place in a fake movie, and watching Amber Heard try to act is like watching a mermaid try to run a 100-yard dash which is always good for a chuckle but i’ve come to expect more from Rodriguez. Hell, he’s trained me to expect more.

Unless–and this is probably exactly what’s going on here–he’s afraid people will expect too much of Sin City 2 next year so he wants to make a ton of boring movies so our expectations are at an all time low when he releases SC2.

Yeah, i bet that’s it.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 shots

Machete Kills 07 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Killer Tits

3 shots

Rodriguez knows men and he knows what men like and he knows women and when i say that i mean he probably knows them biblically and that means sexually but none of that is as important as him sharing them with us. So he gets all these super hot actresses and makes them appear in revealing clothes and do a lot of action shots on the big screen and what more do you want from something that can’t press charges when you’re through?

As for the blow by blow:

  • 70’s style weird lava lamp style sex scene where they say “Put on your 3D glasses now” but then the scene is too fake 3D and has 70’s groovy sploogey (hey, if i can write it, it’s a word) designs to see anything
  • Danny Trejo’s nipples have no areolas
Machete Kills 08 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Because Cleavage

You know who i wanna start with is Alexa Vega who plays an evil henchbabe prostitute called KillJoy. She started out looking like this sweet little girl in Spy Kids 1-84 and then ended up a gorgeous young woman. The nice thing about this is she learned how to be a good actress before she got all hot. The other nice thing is this, a collage of her Twit pix.

Alexa Vega 2013-10-02 Machete Kills in the Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

She also has assless chaps in one scene in the movie and man, does she do AssAssin the open air very well.

Then there’s Amber Heard who is so beautiful it makes my eyes hurt but who acts so badly it makes my eyes hurt too. Whenever she starts to speak, look at her boobs, that’s what i do and it distracts you from her acting. She had a sex scene in the film, fully clothed, sitting on Machete’s machete.

Amber Heard 2013-10-02 in the Bar None Wallpaper Machete Kills

Amber Heard Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You remember Sofia Vergara because how could you forget her when she looks exactly like this? She plays a whorehouse madame and her girls are as hot as she is but not all of them because this is how high Sofia lifts your bar.

Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Wallpaper 2013-10-02 Machete Kills

Sofia Vergara Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Guess what and you don’t have to because i’mma a tell you right now before you can try to guess. Vanessa Hudgens had a cameo as Cereza the whore / Mendez’s lover but we never get to see her prove it. Still, Vanessa really puts the ‘OOH’ in Cameo. Sorta like this.

Vanessa Hudgens 2013-10-02 Bar None Wallpaper Machete Kills

Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Then there’s this Lady Gaga woman i heard a lot about but not of because the only kind of pop i’m into is when my eardrums do it because the music is so loud. She plays a women called La Camaleón and almost falls out of her dress as she climbs out of a wrecked van. First up in real life, i got a collage of her in and out of the Bar None.

Lady Gaga 2013-10-02 in the Bar None Wallpaper Machete Kills

Lady Gaga in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

So, she’s a singer like Justin Beiber except taller and more masculine and she looks a lot like this.

Lady Gaga 2013-10-02 Wallpaper Machete Kills

Lady Gaga Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Saving the best for later, everyone in the Bar None knows how hot i am for Mr Michelle Rodriguez and she looked good in this movie because she lost some of the beer weight and walked around all cute as a belly button. Her shots, as long as the solo shots of all these ladies are located at the bottom of this post, in my drawers. Just rummage around at the end of this and you’ll come up with something.

Machete Kills 20 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Portable Gun Show

Silken Butterflies

Rodriguez also knew how to net the Silken Butterflies, those actresses with eternal beauty and fleeting screen time.

First up is the wonderful Callie Hernandez who clocks in as “Space Babe”.

Callie Hernandez Machete Kills AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

As if that weren’t enough and when is it ever, there was also the amazing Emmy Robbin who rocked the movie as Pris.

Emmy Robin Machete Kills AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Then there was also Elle Lamont who scored the roll of Dollface and if that wasn’t a case of typecasting then ‘dollface’ doesn’t mean this.

Elle Lamont Machete Kills AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Elle Lamont in the Bar None

Last and certainly not least is the Robert Rodriguez scored twins and not just twins playing nurses but twins that are so amazing they’ll make you forget every pair you’ve ever seen before. I give you Electra & Elise Avellan.

Electra & Elise Avellan 01 Machete Kills AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Or is it Elise & Electra?

Electra & Elise Avellan 02 Machete Kills AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

A Smoke

Drink: 3 shots

3 shots

Not bad, actually. There were quite a few references and some of them even had relative importance so i’ll jack this up to 3 shots after being so hard on the film over all.

Machete Kills 02 chango AlKHall Bar None Booze RevoozeCheck out this booze exchange between Mendez (Demian Bichir) and a bartender.

Mendez: Martini extra dry and 2 olives.

Bartender: All we have here is beer and Chango.

“Chango” for those of you who care, is a fictional warm, flat weak piss beer that Rodriguez likes to sneak into most of his movies for grownups (or me).

Here’s the blow by blow for the rest.

  • The President (Charlie Sheen as Carlos Estevez) drinks shots of whisky in the Oval Office
  • Bad leader Mendez drinks tequila when meeting Machete
  • Wine at dinner with Mel Gibson (who doesn’t get drunk and go racist on Danny Trejo’s ass)
  • Mel kills a waiter with a corkscrew because the waiter was going to spill a bottle of 1787 Chateau Margaux
  • Variety of cocktails at the reception

A Smoke

Machete Kills 09 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Picking up chicks…on the bumper

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

3 shots

i know, it’s amazing that in each category i’ve been scoring rather high but overall the film scared only 2½ shots. What can i tell you that i didn’t already spell out in the intro? Nothing.

But the rock was good, like the soundtrack was so good i’m going to try to find it online and download it illegally for free.

Machete Kills 10 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Very Hard Nipples

The action, though, was a little weak except for this one part (and you saw how i put up at the top that there were spoilers here, right?) where Machete punches through a guy’s skin, pulls out his intestines, throws them into the revolving rotors of a helicopter on the ground beside them and the rotating motor pulls the dude up into the blades and chop him to suey.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Machete Kills 11 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Danny Trejo auditions for Thor

Kyle Ward – Screenplay
Robert Rodriguez & Marcel Rodriguez – Story

Directed by: Robert Rodriguez

Starring

Danny Trejo – Machete
Amber Heard – Miss San Antonio
Michelle Rodriguez – Luz
Sofía Vergara – Desdemona
Lady Gaga – La Camaleón
Vanessa Hudgens – Cereza
Alexa Vega – KillJoy
Callie Hernandez – Space Babe
Emmy Robbin – Pris
Elle LaMont – Dollface
Electra Avellan – Nurse Mona
Elise Avellan – Nurse Lisa
Charlie Sheen – Mr. President (as Carlos Estevez)

Bottom Line

Not all that sharp but not all that dull, either.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of Inglourious Basterds

Booze Revooze of Inglourious Basterds

django-unchained-poster-bar-none-booze-revooze

Booze Revooze of Django Unchained

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

i’ll throw up some of the leftover captioned stills and then get right to the hotness because you gotta believe my drawers are as hot as hell, Barmaids and Beerhounds.

Machete Kills 12 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

That moment you realize you have the same haircut as Danny Trejo

Machete Kills 13 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Valentine’s Day in Mexico

Machete Kills 14 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Bored This Way

Machete Kills 15 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

“I call this one my ‘vale-Dick-torian’.”

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Chose ‘Acting’ as her ‘Talent’. Lost pageant.

Machete Kills 16 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Barbie Machete

Machete Kills 18 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Bra Size: 9mm

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A Breakdown of Government

Alexa Vega

Alexa Vega Used 01 Machete Kills (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Used 02 Machete Kills (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Used 03 Machete Kills (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Used 04 Machete Kills (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Used 05 Machete Kills (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Used 06 down blouse Machete Kills (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Used 07 Machete Kills (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Used 08 Machete Kills in the Bar None (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega in the Bar None

Amber Heard

 Amber Heard 01 nip slip Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard 02 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard 03 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard 04 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard 05 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard 06 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard 07 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard 08 in the Bar None Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard in the Bar None

Amber Heard 09 in the Bar None nip slip Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard in the Bar None

Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga 01 Machete Kills nip slip (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lady Gaga 02 Machete Kills nip slip (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lady Gaga 03 Machete Kills nip slip down blouse (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lady Gaga 04 Machete Kills AssAssin (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lady Gaga 05 Machete Kills side boob (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lady Gaga 06 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lady Gaga 07 in the Bar None Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lady Gaga in the Bar None

Michelle Rodriguez

Michelle Rodriguez 01 Machete Kills see through (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez 02 Machete Kills see through (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez 03 Machete Kills see through (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez 04 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez 05 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez 06 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez 07 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez 08 Machete Kills after the Bar None(AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez after the Bar None

Sofia Vergara

Sofia Vergara 01 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 02 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 03 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 04 AssAssin Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 05 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 06 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 07 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 07 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 09 in the Bar None Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Machete Kills

Vanessa Hudgens

Vanessa Hudgens 01 nip slip Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens 02 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens 03 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens 04 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens 05a Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens 06 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens 07 in the Bar None Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens in the Bar None

Vanessa Hudgens 08 in the Bar None Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens in the Bar None

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: SPRING BREAKERS

Spring Breakers 00 poster AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Skrillex – Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites

[Press ‘Play’ for some moody music to read by]

You know what? And i know you don’t else i wouldn’t have asked, Spring Broke early in Yeaman so i got to see the goodies weeks before any Yanks. This is to make up for the fact we got Django Unchained months late. Anyway, read this and weep or get wet another way while checking out the screen shots i got.

Spring Breakers Screen Shots 01 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Spring Breakers Screen Shots 02 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Spring Breakers Screen Shots 04 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Yes, i did get a new phone, thanks for noticing.

Ramblings: One Hot Spring

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk with a popcorn bowl full of Gummi Bears? Sure they’re good and even give your buzz a buzz cuz of all the extra sugar but the problem is you can’t stop eating them just like you can’t stop drinking and you realize there is such a thing as too much of a good thing especially when both of them together don’t mix but make you a little sick to your stomach so you sit there uncomfortably on your stool trying to hide your spontaneous erection with a cock-tail napkin that’s a layer too small while you fight not to throw up all at the same time. That’s exactly what Spring Breakers was like.

Spring Breakers 01 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Jail Bait

To help put this movie in perspective for y’all, take a look at the poster up top. See the babe bent over in the pink hair? She’s 26 years old and married to a 40-year old guy…who also directed this movie. Yep, that’s where this movie is hardly coming from.

There is a reason oil and water, whiskey and firearms, or Debs at a Barely Legal convention don’t mix and Spring Breakers is it because it tries to be both a serious coming of age tale and a T&A flick but just ends up being a seriously aged coming again and again film without enough flick of her tale. Harmony Korine (the 40-year old director who brazenly ignores the “½ your age + 7” rule) tried to make Scarface meets The Hangover but instead of getting the art of Scarface and the humor of The Hangover, what he threw up on screen had the comedy of Scarface and the artistry of The Hangover.

Spring Breakers 02 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Franco finds his dentist

But what about the actresses, you ask, you curious sins of the bitches you. They were hot if you like the finely toned, perfectly honed, willingly boned teenage girl prancing around in her bikini type but let’s face it, if Selena Gomez could act, we’d of heard about it by now. If Vanessa Hudgens was an actress, she’d have acted in Sucker Punch. If Ashley Whatshername was talented, i’d remember her last name. They were more than pretty enough for you to see the flick just for their skin as long as you don’t expect anything more, because booty is skin deep. And so is Spring Breakers.

Spring Breakers 03 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Practice makes perfect

This was so obvious that even the Harmony (who’s a guy despite his name) realized it so he tried to edit the film around their gaps in talent but the gaps were so big the style devices (flash forwards, repeating scenes, odd lighting, extreme closeups, blurry lenses…) became the movie and looked like he was a drunk little boy who’d just discovered the effects panel on Windows Movie Maker.

The final word? An artistic movie about near teens in bikinis going gangster looks great on paper…just not on the screen

Spring Breakers 04 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Shitting Bricks

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

4 shotsNot a big surprise here, i know. What do you want, they parade the babes in their early 20’s in their bikinis for the whole fucking movie. Not just a lot of the fucking movie, the whole fucking movie. The actresses no doubt caught all kind of colds and shit during the filming but i don’t care what diseases they have because, like a Pokémon, i wanna to catch them all.

Spring Breakers 05 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Wow, check out her jug!

FYI, there was too much hot for this one post so the individual shots of the actresses are smoldering over at The Girls From SPRING BREAKERS post.

i’m gonna start off with a mystery. IMDB lists the stellar Heather Morris as “Bess”, but i  didn’t recognize her anywhere in this movie. Maybe if one of y’all spot her you could leave a comment on where she was hanging out, other than right here because i don’t care if i could find her in the film as long as i could locate her in the Bar None.

Heather Morris 2013-03-06 Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Heather Morris Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be some drawer shots of her at the bottom of the post. Just scroll all the way down to where it says “Continue reading…” and then click.

Before i show some more skin, here’s the blow by blow:

  • Opening credits is hot girls in bikinis drinking beer
  • Slo-mo big breasts shaking while guys pour beer on them close-up.
  • Lots of topless
  • Vanessa [Hudgens] simulating fellatio
  • Blonde neighbor girl. Platinum short hair. [Actually, this might be Heather Morris]
  • Girls exchange kiss hits of grass
  • Count money in their bras

This money makes my pussy wet. It makes my tits look bigger.

  • Girls peeing together

tumblr_mp0c2vaRbL1qb9pa3o1_500

  • Coke off a flat chested girl’s naked tattooed body
  • 3 way in the pool, Franco, Ashley & VH [Vanessa Hudgens], girl on girl kisses [this was a super hot scene]
  • glimpses of VH topless
  • André with 3 [naked] women in bed & they’re chubby chubby
  • France gives head to a gun
Spring Breakers 07 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

What happens in my lap, stays in my lap

Here, then are the girls. Like i said, the solo shots of them are located in a different post, but here are the Wallpapers.

Selena Gomez 2013-03-06 Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze AlKHall

Selena Gomez Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Vanessa Hudgens 2013-03-10 Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze AlKHall

Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Ashley Benson 2013-03-06 Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze Al K Hall

Ashley Benson Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

There were Butterflies a-plenty flitting across the silver screen all too briefly and i was only able to net three of them.

Emma Holzer rocked the role of “Heather”…

Emma Holzer Used 2013-03-06 Bar None Booze Revooze

Cait Taylor sparkled as “Tiffany”…

Cait Taylor 2013-03-06 Used Bar None Booze Revooze

And i don’t know how the Oscar committee could have overlooked Lauren Vera’s incarnation of “Spring Breaker”…

Lauren Vera Used 2013-03-06 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

For those of you more into Spring than Bounce, there was James Franco. Kind of.

Spring Breakers 05 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

That moment you realize the poster teeth are better than yours

James Franco Used 2013-03-13 Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

James Franco Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

A Smoke

Drink: 4 Shots

4 shotsDudes. It’s a movie about Spring Break. The sole remaining vestige of a Roman orgy. How could there not be booze?

Spring Breakers 08 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Fairy Tails

  • Beer
  • Drinking contest where guys “pee beer” from a can into babes’ mouths
  • Whiskey squirt gun, home alone in the evening (Ashley)
  • SG [Selena Gomez] smoking
  • [Girl] passed out in bathroom with puke filled toilet

I’m not drunk enough for that.

  • Champagne bottle on the piano outside
Spring Breakers 09 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

i’ll take one to go, please.

Bar None Booze Revooze ALKHAll

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: ½ Shot

1-2 shot

Are you kidding me? The soundtrack had a lot of shit by some act called Skillrex or something and that guys knows as much about rock as he does hair styling. There may have been some pretty decent rap but for the most part, the OST was pretty lame.

Spring Breakers 10 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

DangeRuss Slumming It

What did not make the soundtrack, however, was a cute moment when Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens sing “Hit Me Baby (One More Time)” a capella while drinking.

What was less cute was James Franco rapping, but this doesn’t mean he didn’t do a good job. i thought he held his own, and i should know, i’m kind of the expert on that. But you be the judge.

[Press ‘Play’ for James Franco rapping with DangeRuss – Hangin’ with da Dope Boys]

Spring Breakers 11 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Unrapping

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Harmony Korine

Spring Breakers 12 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Find Waldo

Directed by: Harmony Korine

Starring

Selena Gomez – Faith
Ashley Benson – Brit
Vanessa Hudgens – Candy
Rachel Korine – Cotty
Heather Morris – Bess
Lauren Vera – Spring Breaker
Emma Holzer – Heather
Cait Taylor – Tiffany
James Franco – Alien

Bottom Line

Let’s be honest. Four hot nearly jailbait girls getting drunk in bikinis and shooting people is not a good idea for a movie–it’s a good idea for a religion.

Another Round

You think this was bad, you should check out…

Another Round Sucker Punch Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Booze Revooze of SUCKER PUNCH

Another Round Piranha 3D Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Booze Revooze of PIRANHA 3D

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The Girls of Spring Breakers in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s the review done. If you’re still not and want to see pics of Heather Morris, click on. If you want to see pics of the other lead actresses, i keep them in a whole ‘nother drawer.

Continue reading

The Girls From SPRING BREAKERS

Not a lot of people know this, but Spring Breakers was an action movie and if you don’t believe me, there was so much action i couldn’t fit it all in my review so i had to come here to let it all spill out. This is where i’m going to open my drawers and let it all hang loose.

Starting things off with a gang bang, here’s some of the girl on girl action that went down on each other in Spring Breakers.

Spring-Break-Forever-Bitches-selena-gomez-33750526-245-180

Continue reading

The Girls From SUCKER PUNCH

If you’re looking for the Booze Revooze of SUCKER PUNCH, i keep that over here. If you’re looking for pics of the actresses in the movie, you’ve come in the right place. Welcome to my drawers.

Emily Browning (22)

Emily Browning in the Bar None

Abbie Cornish (28)

Abbie Cornish in the Bar None

Jena Malone (26)

Vanessa Hudgens (22)

 

A Message to me from Vanessa

 

Vanessa Hudgens in the Bar None

Jamie Chung (27)

Carla Gugino (39)

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of SUCKER PUNCH

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: I Want It All / We Will Rock You (mash-up) – Queen (feat. Armageddon a.k.a. Geddy)

[Press Play to get it all]

Ramblings: Suck Her Punch

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a teenage boy? They get all giddy and jumpy in their seats and they can’t sit still and they’re shifting back and forth and even drooling, I swear to god fucking drooling, while they giggle with the excitement of hanging out like this. They’re funny and their excitement is contagious especially how everything for them is so extreme. When times are good they’re super fucking good and when it’s exciting it’s real damn exciting and when times are hard they are rock fucking hard. Plus every chick they see is super hot just by being a chick so it’s nice to see the feminine side through their hormone tainted eyes. Hanging out with them is a roller coaster ride, safe but wild, a pleasant trip that’ll plaster a smile on your lips and keep it there. Sure, you’re gonna hafta put up with them calling you “dude” all the time and there ain’t no way you’re ever gonna approach anything even remotely resembling intellectual stimulation but all the other stimulation they got going on is gonna last your ass the hour and a half they blast with you before bedtime. That’s pretty much how Sucker Punch will hit you.

Suckers

All you need to know about Sucker Punch is that director dude Zack Snyder said he made the movie he wanted to see as a teenage boy.  Hell, he made the movie i wanted to see as a teenage boy and the cool thing is i still have part of a teenage boy deep inside me somewhere that came out all over the place to enjoy this and plus even Miss Demeanor’s teenage boy came with mine at the same time.

One of the super rad things that these boys really got into was the awesome action scenes because Zack-ster filmed them in really cool slo-mo like he did with 300 last time which was a supercool rocking film like this one except rockinger. Plus the action was lifted straight from some kick ass kind of video game with levels and bosses and missions and crazy ass monsters like nazis and robots and dragons and shit.

What really popped my zits, though, were all the hot chicks walking around in schoolgirl uniforms that showed their belly buttons and they had ponytails and pigtails and all other kinds of wild tail. Some of them wore leather and pretty much any kind of sexy clothes you can imagine on a sexy girl in an insane asylum / brothel was what the babes were sporting here.

Sucker Punch is like staying up after bedtime and your parents don’t even know or the first time you see real nudity on TV or mixing two different kinds of energy drinks and drinking them both. Sucker Punch is hard rock candy with extra tat.

Don’t get me wrong, and i wouldn’t even blame you if you do, not everything about Sucker Punch flowed with the sheen of sweaty sheets after a wet dream. ‘Cause just like that adolescent boy, some of Sucker Punch simply comes across as simple. Parts are kind of juvenile and other parts are just plain stupid and you sit there rolling your eyes and waiting for the moment to pass so you can start liking the kid again.

Plus there’s tons of talking.  Seriously, have you ever met a teenage boy?  Try an experiment: call one up on the phone and talk to him and just see how much talk he has in him. Bet he gets bored way before you do which is exactly like me in the movie’s talking parts.

"Will you please shut up so we can cut to the chaser?"

Plus there’s another part as stupid as paying to download a Pretty Reckless CD and that’s the way the bad guys chase the babes all over hell and back, shooting at them the entire time and when the girls finally run out of running room and the killer finally has clean shot, he stops and stands there and waits for another chick to come along and waste his lazy ass. God I hate that more than a drunk friend puking in my dad’s car.

The point is this: you should see this movie if you’re a teenage boy or can still access that dude in you. If you’re a chick or are prematurely dead to the point that the teenage boy inside you died then you should forget about this movie and watch The King’s Speech one more time.

Insane Asylum / Brothel = Hells Yeah

Before getting any deeper into this than i need to, i hafta card the very talented and very young actress Frederique De Raucourt who stunned as “Baby Doll’s Sister” and, to the best of my calculations, must be around 10-11 years old and so is allowed no further. As with any celebrity under age here, the only photos i post are official pics from her peeps because there is nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None. This then is Frederique De Raucourt, and we wish her a long, prosperous and fun career. (Photo links to her IMDB page.)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

[AlKHallism: The Girls From Sucker Punch post is under construction. Erection for Monday, April 11.]

Sex: 4 Shots

4 shots and i’m not even kidding, but then you shouldn’t be too surprised if you take a look at the totally hardening cast. And all the sexy clothes and sexy action and sexy dialog and sexual inyourend-o. To understand the rating here, all you gotta do is look at the first sentence in my notes: “Barely legal all girl sex orphanage.”

So why didn’t i go all the way with this rating? Simple, the girls didn’t either. Absolutely no nudity at all in this not-bad-enough boy.

Head over heels in love (with upskirt photos)

Remember how there so much hotness in the movie Nine that i had to do a special post of just the Drawer Pics? We got more of the same here so what i’ma do is uncover the actresses here and then post the full spreads in a Girls of Sucker Punch.

But before we start blowing lids and such off that, i got some Emily Browning tuneage for surfing music: Emily Browning – Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)

Emily Browning (22) – Baby Doll

Emily does a good job being sexy here but then it’s as easy for her as for all the other girls here. Being cute is easy when you’re 22 and got makeup people and hair people and clothes people. Hell, even i’d be hot if i was 22 and looked exactly like Emily Browning.

As it is, we’re treated to many scenes of her running around in the Captain Miss Teen America schoolgirl’s uniform tied in a halter top so we can see that she did indeed remove any navel jewelry for the part. Apart from that, she did a good job acting, if acting means running around looking like this.

Here’s Emily’s collage, but if you want some Drawer pics, you’re gonna hafta check out the Girls of Sucker Punch post i’ll being throwing together sometime in the near future.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Abbie Cornish (28) – Sweet Pea

Y’all may remember when i exposéed the crap out of her for Bright Star. The good news is, Sucker Punch packs more kick than that crap and outshines Bright Star.

Abbie Cornish-chick (’cause she’s too young to be a Cornish-hen) lets more of it hang out for us here and, i’m being serious just for a second, i believe is challenged more in this role. In B.S., she just has to walk around and look simpering while here she has to be optimistic, defensive, angry, sad…and look hot while she does it. For real, Sucker Punch is more of a stretch and she pulls it off without tearing anyting she might need later. This is what that looked like.

And this is the infamous collage you’ve been counting on.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

As an extra special bonus, and just because Abbie’s been so good, here’s a shot of her in the Bar None.

Abbie Cornish in the Bar None

Jena Malone (26) – Rocket

Jena Malone rocks and she rocks the role of rocket here in this movie. She’s arguably the best actress here and certainly the most serious. Sucker Punch was an interesting move for her after indie stuff like Saved and i guess she ended up here for her career, hoping—like her butt on the poster—to get herself out there a little.

More importantly, what does the teenage boy deep inside me think? Jena Malone is a gorgeous young lady and he’s worried about her because did you see how skinny she got? God knows i like my women skinny but healthy skinny and Jena is pushing things a little too far. Jena? Take care of yourself, babe. We like you and want you to feel good about yourself. i guess what i’m trying to say is weight is for fags (or something).

Here she is before and after… What do you think, too skinny?

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

As a bonus, here’s a screen shot of her and Abbie Cornish, her sister in the film…

"Al will give us each a buck if we kiss."

Vanessa Hudgens (22) – Blondie

You know how i know this movie is an intellectual movie? Because Vanessa Hudgens is a brunette and her name in the movie is “Blondie”. This is what’s known as irony and irony is intellectual.

You know what i like? i like Disney girls gone wild. Britney in see-through, X-tina drunk and now Vanessa. Vanessa went under the needle and got a butterfly tat on the back of her neck and now her agents are freaking out because she wants to go the Miley Cyrus / Megan Fox route and get mulitple (and pro’lly stupid) tattoos all over various body parts. i think i’m gonna include a tat scene in the Al K Hall remake of High School Mescaline.

Before moving on, let’s take a moment to get down on our knees in gratitude that Vaness-star is of legal age to take naked pictures of herself naked (and pre-tat) several times and post them on the internet for us.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Here’s a bonus shot for the faithful. Vanessa rocking it up with Emily Browning in the Bar None.

Vanessa Hudgens and Emily Browning in the Bar None

Jamie Chung (28) – Amber

What can i say about Jamie that i haven’t said before? Quite a lot, actually, because i’ve never talked about her before because i had no idea who the hell she was until i started writing this review. i gotta say something though because i got to fill up this space so i can post the poster version of her at the left and i don’t want it to screw up the collage i’m also gonna throw up here.

i know, i can talk about how i didn’t like her hair too much in this movie because she wore it up. Wearing your hair up is one step away from having short hair and if you don’t know how i feel about short hair than you don’t know me so i’m gonna tell you. Girls are beautiful and guys look too much like guys for me to be interested in them physically. Having short hair makes people look like boys and girls who look like boys are a total turn off except for pervs who like little boys. Grow it out and wear it down, ladies. Kinda like this.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Carla Gugino (39) – Dr. Vera Gorski

i bet i’m the only one here who knew i was in love with Carla Gugino. Not so much her role of Vera Gorski which was kinda fuzzy around the edges and didn’t really show off her breast side, which reminds me of when and why i fell in love with her for the first time. One of my all time top 10 favorite desert island movies is Sin City and if you don’t own it on every possible support possible go out right this second and find it.

In Sin City she played “Lucille”, Mickey Rourke’s lesbian parole officer and she had a couple topless scenes there which was just one…er, two…of the major reasons Sin City would’ve got 5 shots for sex if the Bar None had been open in 2005. Anyway, you know you can count on me to bring the babes better than they were in the movie, so here’s some of that.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

For those of you more into Punches than Sucking, i got some cool shit. First off is Oscar Isaac (31) who isn’t famous enough for a real last name so he has to make do with two first ones. All this despite the exposé i did of him for Agora. What i like about him is how different he can look in each movie and plus he can act differently, too. Like he did such a good job as Blue Jones i didn’t even recognize him.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Also part of this, more as a cameo than anything else, is this guy called Jon Hamm (40) from a show i never watched called Mad Men. If you’re a girl and want to spend time with me and Jon together, leave a note in the comments section and we’ll work out a Hamm sandwich. Yeah, i know, just shut up and look at the wallpaper, K?

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Jon Hamm in the Bar None

Silken Butterflies

We were lucky enough to get a stellar silken butterfly here (and just click on the word if you wanna know what that means). Straight from stunt doubling in Twinklite, we have Monique Ganderton (30) who came here as “Lobotomy Nurse / High Roller Girl #1”.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

And a first here in the Bar None… A guy Silken Butterfly only because Ron Selmour looked so damn cool as Danforth.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

Only 2 tiny little baby doll references to booze in Sucker Punch. The first one was Baby Doll’s step dad chugged vodka straight from the bottle after learning his dead wife left everything in her will to Baby Doll (Emily Browning) and Baby Doll’s sister (Frederique De Raucourt). The next reference was how Blue Jones (Oscar Isaac) kept drinking scotch on the rocks.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 5 Shots

A 5-shot score is as rare as a gamer with a girlfriend but at least here it’s deserved. i don’t even care if you don’t believe me because right now i’m gonna show you the shit right in your face. Here it is, Björk (featuring Skunk Anansie) – Army of Me.

[Press ‘Play’ for the shit. In your face.]

The heaviest hitting songs are the ones i already posted for y’all here, but the rock is only half. The other 3/4s is the action i was talking about at the top of the post. There are these 4 action scenes with the girls all fighting a variety of enemies and everything about them reeks of hotness: the babes, the fight, the slow motion, the special effects… More than just your breath, these scenes will take your cherry if you had it when you slipped into this bad boy.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

  • Zack Snyder & Steve Shibuya (screenplay)
  • Zack Snyder (story)

Directed by: Zack Snyder

Starring

  • Emily Browning – Baby Doll
  • Abbie Cornish – Sweet Pea
  • Jena Malone – Rocket
  • Vanessa Hudgens – Blondie
  • Jamie Chung – Amber
  • Carla Gugino – Dr. Vera Gorski
  • Frederique De Raucourt – Babydoll’s Sister
  • Monique Ganderton – Lobotomy Nurse / High Roller Girl #1
  • Oscar Isaac – Blue Jones
  • Jon Hamm – High Roller / DoctorRon Selmour – Danforth

Bottom Line

Take the teenage boy lurking in you to the movies.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Like i already said like a bajillion times, there are no drawer shots of the babes here. (The real drawer shots have a post of their own right here.) Still, i do have a series of posters from the movie for you to scope on. Don’t never say i didn’t ever do nothing for your ass.

Click here for the rest of my drawers.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.