i don’t know if you know or not because she’s not really a Bar None type of gal, but there’s this girl singer called Selena Gomez. You might remember her from when she made an appearance her in Spring Breakers where she played a good girl going bad. If you missed that one, though, no big deal because all you have to do is look at her life. She’s pulling that same shit there.
You know how i stopped writing this blog when Hell froze over because that was the only way i’d ever leave the Bar None? Well, Hell must’ve just thawed because there is only one convergence of events that would’ve ever got me back here and against all the odds and ends, the stars miraculously aligned.
You see that glass in front of them?
And when i say “stars”, i of course mean Cara Delevingne (or Cara Delavagina as she’s known around here and other parts) and Amber Heard who aligned and are still aligning like wild cats, i bet. And that image is hot enough to melt even a Hell that froze over. Which brings us back to why i’m here right now.
Here’s my New Year’s resolution, for more shit like this to happen. For hot bi girls to get mega drunk and make out with top models in public. My New Year’s resolution is more Michelle Rodriguez.
Michelle Rodriguez, the King of Queens and still the first woman i’ll call if i turn gay, had a date with a 21 year old blonde top model who looks like this:
And acts like this:
Michelle took Cara Dlelevingne (pronounced: de-la-vagina) to a basketball game and it was hard to tell, oh so very hard, who had the most balls because Michelle kept trying to convert the young woman to either Lesbianism or Alcoholism or both and you know me (and if you don’t there oughta be a law) i already invented a word for that too and it’s LUSH, which stands for Lesbian Until Sober Honey.
“Psst, if I were a woman, would you be a lesbian?”
What’s the take away? These photos are the fucking take-away and they’re so great it’s like Santa came again and if he didn’t, i will.
You know you’re Michelle Rodriguez drunk when…
1. …this is ‘smiling’.
2. …you can only keep one eye open at a time
3. …you give a urine sample in public
4. …everything reminds you of vaginas.
5. …you finish first. Without her. At a basketball game.
6. …your ‘come face’ turns into a ‘go face’.
7. …you get this kind of lucky.
As i already got more than enough Michelle Rodriguez pics to choke a drunken whore, i thought i’d concentrate on Cara Delevingne from here on out.
Cara Delevingne Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Not from the juiced-box but the soundtrack: The Beach Boys – Help Me, Rhonda
[Press ‘Play’ for what is probably the worst song in the movie but the only one i could find]
Ramblings: His Name is Mud
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with Boy Scouts on a trip? They’re so cute with their little shorts and when they laugh beer comes out of their nose and they wipe it away with their little yellow handkerchiefs and they drink like they do everything else which is earnestly and if you don’t know what that means it means with their heart, it means they do it with unquestioning faith in something other than God, something they haven’t named yet and that’s what they’re searching for with all of their badges and all of their exploring until what they find for the briefest of moments and then lose like their virginity never to get back again is Love because there’s a boy scout minute when all little lads believe in Love more than they believe in booze, boobs and big brothers, more than God, Mom and vacations in summer and Mud captures that instant for one little boychild.
Waiting for a Tidal Wave
i can tell you right now who’s going to like this movie, and that’s guys like me. More specifically, guys who used to be boys like i was. Ridiculously emotional, thin skinned, passionate about everything to the point of blindness where others mistook the fact i was overwhelmed with my own emotions for egoism but really i couldn’t stop feeling enough to make room for anything else.
If you weren’t like that as a kid or if you were never a kid you’ll be able to appreciate Mud as a piece of art but you won’t be able to understand it.
The thing that makes this movie is the actors and not just Matthew McConaughey because he spoke with an accent and not just Reese Witherspoon becasue she’s a hot drunken mess and not just Michael Shannon (who starred in Nichols’ other movie, Take Shelter) because have you seen how fucking cool he is and plus he does a good job acting normal here for once. No, the good actors were also the kids, especially the boys because one of them (Tye Sheridan as Ellis) was a real actor and so he has to be good because it’s his little job but they also had this kid from Arkansas (Jacob Lofland as Neckbone), fresh off the street, and he acted the hell out of his part.
Plus there was Sam Shepard who is an amazing actor and writer and who was probably my first guy crush back when i was a teenager and secure in my heterosexuality with a lifelong crush on Muriel Hemingway that still hasn’t completely gone away. And Michael Shannon rocked his role, and i’m not just saying that because he’s my current guy crush. What i really liked about all the acting going on was that i have been each of these characters at least once in my life and the actors let me identify with all of them.
Johnny Ray done carved himself a whole dock
What about the rest of it?
Jeff Nichols wrote and directed Mud and he did a good job because i was able to sit back and forget i was watching a movie and that’s exactly what a director’s supposed to do. As for the themes, well, there were some and i guess that makes this intellectual or French but the themes weren’t all that complex and there was an ending so it really wasn’t all that French but still it was pretty predictable, like trying a new beer in a frosty mug and the beer is refreshing but in the end all you have left is the same old mug.
But still that was one damn fine glass.
“We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
A couple very pretty girls but because this bad boy was about love and not sex, the girls don’t show anything other than up.
Like i already said, Reese Witherspoon played the female lead in Mud and did a lot with what she had but she didn’t have to do a lot other than look nervous.
Redneck test: Find Reese Witherspoon (Hint: She’s *in front* of the truck)
i got some more shots of her deep in my drawers down below at the bottom of this post.
Also in this movie is Sarah Paulson who i already like because she’s in both seasons of American Horror Story which is the best fucking show on TV bar none (no pun intended) . To make things even better she plays a lesbian in season 2 of that series and to take the cherry off the cake and put it where it belongs [no idea what i mean by that, btw], she’s a lesbian in real life, too.
I bet Sarah and i are fantasizing about the same thing…
She plays Mary Lee, the lead boy’s mother and the worst thing about her performance was that it was so short. And they didn’t let her look like this.
Sarah Paulson Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Rounding out the full cast is the wonderful and not at all jail bait Bonnie Sturdivant. She’s 22 and acts her age and better.
There was only one actress whose talent was as permanent as her beauty was lasting and her screen time was fleeting. Barmaids and beerhounds, i give you Kristy Barrington.
For those of you more into mud than dirt, there was Matthew McConaughey. Here he is, deep down in it.
Matthew McConaughey Drunk in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i stuck some sexier shots of him in my drawers, at the bottom of this post. Scroll deep down and you’ll find them.
Drink: 1 Shot
Nothing to write home about, much less bore you with here, so let’s make like most of my love and just get it over with.
Father drinks whiskey from a pint bottle flask
RW [Reese Witherspoon] hangs out at a bar drinking Bud Light and flirting with a guy
Empty bottle of fictional whiskey in the dying bonfire at morning
Don’t drink and boat
Rock & Roll: 1 Shot
There were some decent and other not so decent real songs in this movie but i can’t find a trace of them anywhere and i’ve been digging for much longer than i should’ve been because once i get something in my crotch i can’t let go of it until i find it but this time i’m just giving up. And don’t even tell me to look at the OST album because it’s all incidental music and there were some songs with vocals in Mudother than “Help me Rhonda”.
“The necklace will go right here.”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Jeff Nichols
Directed by: Jeff Nichols
Bargain hunting in the funiture store
Reese Witherspoon – Juniper
Sarah Paulson – Mary Lee
Bonnie Sturdivant – May Pearl
Kristy Barrington – Princess
Tye Sheridan – Ellis
Jacob Lofland – Neckbone
Matthew McConaughey – Mud
Sam Shepard – Tom Blankenship
Michael Shannon – Galen
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Four Horsemen – Back In Business Again
[Press ‘Play’ for some fuckers back for another round]
i got lucky again, if “lucky” means seeing this one day before it was released in the States. If it doesn’t mean that, then i got whatever the word for seeing it in Yeaman first is.
Here’s the shots off my cell phone as proof.
Ramblings: G.I. Joe: Retail Nation
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with a pizza delivery guy? He shows up on time and decides to come in and have a brew with you and he’s only just a kid but cool enough and after all he did bring the fucking pizza. Sure, all he did was bring what you ordered but how often have you ordered a pizza and they get the order wrong and it’s got pineapple or fish or some shit on it or they bring it way too late or sometimes they don’t even bring it at all? At least this guy really brings it. He brings the pizza and it’s not an awesome pizza, hell, it’s not even a great pizza and it’s not like they surprise you with extra ingredients or a hot delivery chick or free beer, you get just what you ordered and you ordered what you wanted so you end up getting what you wanted which is more than you can say for a lot of drunk pizza delivery guys. G.I. Joe: Retaliation is exactly like that pizza: simple fare but fare enough.
Cue Ball + Crystal Ball = 2 big balls
Yeah, i hesitated between 2½ and 3 shots but i decided to round up for a couple reasons. Like i didn’t expect much and i wasn’t disappointed, which actually doesn’t always happen. Like with The Expendables, i went expecting a basic action movie and i saw an ugly chick flick.
It’s simple, when i see an action movie i want rock and roll, special effects, and action. Lots of fucking action. G.I. Joe: Retaliation delivers all of that. Nothing more, but what they delivered is fulfilling enough that i left satisfied.
The story was easy to follow and didn’t need tons of talk to set it up. The costumes and sets were often kind of cool, the fight scenes weren’t boring and there were enough of them, the actors were above average for the genre, and the special effects didn’t look too fake.
Street Fighter flashback, anyone?
Some things were hard to swallow, of course. Like the code names these poor Joes are stuck with are downright embarrassing. i can’t imagine the shame of the G.I. Joe cotillion when people have to walk around with name tags that say, “Roadblock”, “Firefly” or “Storm Shadow”. A couple of WTF moments left a bad taste in my mouth (Welshman Jonathan Pryce as President of the United States? A country where the President can replace his entire staff with Nazis over night and everyone obeys with 100% commitment simly because he’s the President?) but this is a pizza movie so i’m not gonna bitch because i can’t have my cake and eat it, too.
An Welsh president? Only in America
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 shots
Yes, there was a slather (yes it’s a word, it’s spelled s-l-a-t-h-e-r) of Silken Butterflies and Elodie Yung is French so that’s another bonus point but the 2 shots here is all Adrianne Palicki (as “Lady Jaye”). While i was looking up pictures of her for this post, i saw her progress from this cute young woman who posed in provocative pics to launch (among other things) her career and then i saw she’s been in more doomed pilots than a gay World War II Flying Ace. Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Robinsons: Lost In Space…
“My 3rd eye mole is up here.”
That she’s beautiful is obvious but watching her on screen i saw a natural charm and a down to earth spark that lit me up. She was born in fucking Toleda, for chrissake. Is she the girl next door? Don’t fuckin’ know, but she can sure as shit act like it and she’s an actress, after all, so if she’s good enough to act like she is then i’m buying into the myth conception.
Starting with this.
Adrianne Palick Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s tons more single shots of her down in my drawers. Just keep scrolling down until you hit my pay dirty.
Plus like i already said, Elodie Yung was in this as Jinx and she’s so cute she could be French. Because she is. Plus she’s Elodie Yung, which she is too. This is what i mean.
Elodie Yung Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s more shots of her in my drawers with Adrianne down there. ↓
The text is done and so am i. It’s late and i’ve been power putting this together to get it ready for a same-day posting so i’ll shut up now and give you the photos of the ladies and nothing else. Continue reading →
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Eddie Redmayne, Daniel Huttlestone & Students – Drink with Me
[Press ‘Play’ for “Let the wine of friendship never run dry…”]
Ramblings: Less Miserable
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in a French karaoke bar? Everyone is singing in English but something’s still not quite right and you don’t know if it’s you because of how fucked up you are or because of how fucked up everyone else is in the spotlight singing strange songs strangely, songs you’ve never heard of or heard before and you start to wonder if you haven’t stumbled into French gay hell. Even weirder are all the people in the bar who are really getting into it and you don’t know how you missed the ass they’re riding in on but you’re sure as hell not getting off at the same place they are. Still, it’s fun to watch everyone from a distance because they’re cute or drunk or funny but never all 3 together unfortunately. So you were kind of dreading going but it was distracting and more than once entertaining even if that was only from laughing at the show and the whack-jobs watching it. That’s kinda what Les Misérables was like.
The Villlager People
It’s not the film’s fault but i forgot this was a musical even if it technically isn’t but is an opera instead. Yes, this is far worse. Not just bad. Opera bad.
One of the many things i have never understood is the concept of Musicals. i’m especially curious to know what the first ever musical was. i want to know this so i can go back in time and kill the fucker who wrote it and thus perhaps save the universe from the monumental pain the opera fat ass that is Opera.
People walk around spontaneously combusting into song at the drop of a top hat? What kind of sick ass word is that? Tell you what, i see some some beach dancing in the streets, i’mma run his skippy ass down. If god wanted us to sing everything that crossed our minds, he would of made me deaf. Not just deaf. Opera deaf.
Jacques in a Box
So, what was good about this other than its ending? It was funny watching Russel Crowe sing, but no so much fun hearing it. Maybe my favorite part of the film was the French history in it, and that should tell you how much i didn’t like the singing. Oh, Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were cool and their songs sucked less than everyone else’s. That’s about it.
My absolute favorite part? Other than the special movie theater i went to that had first class airplane electronic recliner chairs with a tray and waiters that delivered to your seat (i shit you totally not), my favorite part was the 15 year old i was with telling me she liked it. i was so relieved that this automatically went to 3 shots for me. Plus, she may read this one day and i told her i liked it so i don’t want to be a liar.
My barber also does my tassles.
Speaking of underage…Isabelle Allen is only 10 so i’m going to card her cute little ID right here so that she doesn’t get mixed up with all the vulgarity to follow. She played Young Cosette but there was nothing amateur about her performance. If the crazy skilz she displayed here are any indication, her future will be as winning as her smile. And not just winning. Opera winning.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Anne Hathaway is so dirty
First off Anne Hathaway is beautiful and she’s in this movie and she worked hard for the Oscar nom nom. She went so far as to flash her brillo patch to raise up awarenesses under the Motion Picture Board and i know she keeps saying she feels terribly embarrassed about it but there’s no way a woman who was already smeared by the paps when she wore a see-through top [and if you’ve forgotten the glory of that precious moment, here’s a Bar None Wallpaper to jog more than your memory] would forget to wear her underwear unless she was hoping for some big publicity or at least a gentle press.
Anyway, Hathaway did a good job playing Fantine in the movie and wants everyone to know it. Hell, don’t hide your light under a bushel, Anne. Like i won’t hide this.
Anne Hathaway Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be some single shots of her lurking in my drawers down below. Just scroll to the bottom and click on the “Continue reading” link.
Amanda Seyfried (Cosette) showed up in this movie too which is nice because it gives me an excuse to show you this.
Amanda Seyfried Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s some single shots of her as well, in my drawers down there.
Plus i really liked the final female lead Samantha Barks / Éponine because she is more normal beautiful than the famous beauties and i’m a fan of normal beauty. Here’s an example.
Samantha Barks Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i’ll have some more single shots of her in my drawers. Scroll down to see if Barks is worse than her bite.
Finally, Helena Bonham Carter, Her Lady of Ultimate Coolness did a great job in this movie as Madame Thénardier (to Sacha Baron Cohen’s Thénardier). i’ve already exposéd her a couple of times here and clicking on the cleavage will take you to that stack of photos.
The supremely talented Frances Ruffelle played “Whore 1”.
Not to be outdone, Charlotte Spencer plays “Whore 3”. Lots of whoring going on in this movie with lots of not nudity. Seems the writers didn’t really grasp the whole concept of whores.
For those of you more into Tenor 11 inches, there was Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier.
Sacha Baron Cohen in the Bar None
Sacha Baron Cohen Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Aaron Tveit as Enjolras.
And Eddie Redmayne as Marius.
Drink: 1 Shot
Could’ve been worse. Not that there was tons of drinking but i liked what there was, which was basically Sacha Baron Cohen and his inn and people getting drunk inn there.
Here’s the blow by blow:
Gave Valjean wine & bread at the church he stole from
Sacha Cohen wakes up with a keg, kisses it and tells it, “I love you.”
“Don’t let the wine go to your brain” lyric [from “Red and Black”]
A song called “Drink with Me” [included in the intro]
Rock & Roll: 0 shots
Seriously, did you know most of the songs here don’t even rhyme? How fucked up is that? Just because you use a stupid singing voice when you say shit doesn’t mean you’re singing.
Check this out and read the lyrics…
Before you say another word, Javert
Before you chain me up like a slave again
Listen to me! There is something I must do.
This woman leaves behind a suffering child.
There is none but me who can intercede,
In Mercy’s name, three days are all I need.
Then I’ll return, I pledge my word.
Do you believe that bullshit? Or, as i write in my latest song:
Do you believe that bullshit.
It’s so stupid.
All Washed Up
Boring Technical Crap
Victor Hugo (novel)
Claude-Michel Schönberg & Alain Boublil (book)
Herbert Kretzmer (lyrics)
Alain Boublil & Jean-Marc Natel (original: French text)
James Fenton (additional text)
William Nicholson (screenplay)
Directed by: Tom Hooper
Anne Hathaway – Fantine
Amanda Seyfried – Cosette
Helena Bonham Carter – Madame Thénardier
Samantha Barks – Éponine
Isabelle Allen – Young Cosette
Frances Ruffelle – Whore 1
Charlotte Spencer – Whore 3
Hugh Jackman – Jean Valjean
Russell Crowe – Javert
Sacha Baron Cohen – Thénardier
Eddie Redmayne – Marius
Aaron Tveit – Enjolras
“Yes! I love this fence, too!”
Apart from the singing parts, though, Les Misérables was OK. Take out the songs and you got yourself a so-so movie here.