Earth Is A Memory Worth Fighting For. “Oblivion” Isn’t.
Ramblings: Negative Space
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with someone in a coma? You sit there for a couple hours pouring vodka into his IV bag waiting for him to wake up or do something interesting and maybe once or twice he has a crisis and so you get bursts of excitement when they come in with their crash carts and shit to revive him but then it’s back to just sitting there in a very hi-tech room where nothing really goes down or comes up except a heavy buzz that drags you down and you have to fight against it to stay awake. That’s what Oblivion was like.
CGI is a wonderful thing. And the hovering machines look good, too.
2077, 5 years after the mandatory [apocalypse]
Cool exploding moon shot
The movie is set in a desert wasteland. Super exciting.
Plus he sleeps a lot because his dreams are important
The only thing not predictable about this story is how long it would be
Who the fuck is the second 3rd Jack?
Based on a comic [that explains it]
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Regrets the days when phone sex was a career option…
Tom Cruise’s partner’s (Andrea Riseborough as Victoria) naked back in the shower. Nice back. The front…?
Tom Cruise’s back in the shower. He’s still fit. #CGI
Vickie’s nude silhouette by moonlight, [bare] butt in the water swimming
Is that the girl from Firefly / V / Homeland who i’ve seen naked? [Morena Baccarin]
Nope, it’s not her. [It’s Olga Kurylenko] I’d like to see her naked, though.
That’s Zoe Bell in the background
Tom’s gonna burn one down
We’ll grow old and fat together, and fight and drink too much.
Rock & Roll:
Special effects and shit
Blue Oyster Cult
The Wall album cover
Led Zeppelin “Ramble On”
“Whiter Shade of Pale” on the turntable
Techno song at the credits
Cue the theme to “Star Wars”
Boring Technical Crap
Joseph Kosinski: graphic novel and original story
Karl Gajdusek and Michael DeBruyn: screenplay
Directed by: Joseph Kosinski
Tom Cruise … Jack
Morgan Freeman … Beech
Olga Kurylenko … Julia
Andrea Riseborough … Victoria
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau … Sykes
Melissa Leo … Sally
Zoe Bell … Kara
When i say this movie bombs…
Perfect if you’ve ODed on uppers and need something to help you come down. This film could take the inventor of the Starbuck’s taste challenge out for a nap.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: RZA – Ode to Django (The D is silent)
[Press ‘Play’ for “Two beers for two weary travelers”]
Final Proof: 4½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in a video game? It gets so bad you don’t feel like you’re playing it but that you’re in it, deep in it, no longer a player but the real thing, absorbed and walking around someone else’s alternative reality. The violence is larger ‘n’ life is shorter and the blood is redder with the bad guys deader and there’s lots of action from beginning to end and if it won’t break at least you can bender. While you’re staggering through all the various levels releasing souls left and right and some of the levels may resemble each other but it’s still tons of fun with ultra violence so far gone it’s exciting and hilarious at the same time with the blaring music egging you on deeper into the story where each doorway opens onto a surprise more intense until you reach the Boss ending. Django Unchained is like that video game.
i told myself i was gonna give this movie ½-shot less than i gave Inglourious Basterds, but Inglourious Basterds should’ve been a 5-shot movie and you can tell i wrote that review in my drinking days because i didn’t give it all it was due. So ½-shot less than the 5 i should of given Inglourious Basterds makes this an even 4½.
Why ½-shot less? Because Django Unchained is the second shot from the same bottle of Inglourious Basterds. In IB we had the holocaust, in DU we have slavery. In IB we had Brad Pitt, in DU we have Leonardo DiCaprio. In IB we have Bowie as an anachronism, in DU it’s pre-civil war rap. The good news is, if you liked Inglourious Basterds, you’re going to like Django Unchained–and i fucking loved Inglorious Basterds.
Beating a Dead Horse
The other little thing i didn’t feel so much was how the ending went long. It was like after closing time and you’re the bartender and that one lonely chick is babbling on and on and you’re too polite to walk out on her, but still you pay more attention to your watch than you do her. Tarantino could’ve ended this 10 minutes earlier’s all i’m sayin’.
Now for the easy part. What went right.
i like Tarantino a lot and i’ll tell you why it’s because he makes fun movies with talent. He’s Dostoevsky writing comics. Rodin with Silly Putty. A French chef preparing deep fried bacon. He takes tacky and makes it art, transforms kitsch into cool.
Suddenly, Jamie Foxx realized she was on her period.
But he had help here, and the help i’m talking about are the cast because the actors here acted the shit out of everything. Christoph Waltz as Django’s mentor Dr. King Schultz was good, no doubt about it, but Waltz’s good in everything and here he only got to act in one language, not like Inglourious Basterds where he got to rock in 3 languages. It was fun seeing Don Johnson again and he’s looking pretty good and acting the part but the real acting was done by Jamie Foxx who was Django and he was Django for real. To be Django he had to be proud yet cool when he was in the shit and Foxx played both sides of that double edged dagger to perfection.
But you know who was also just as good was Samuel L Jackson who played Stephen the head slave. i didn’t even recognize him at first and the way Stephen came to life as this sassy boss slave who knew exactly how far he could push it before going too far, yet so loyal to the system that trapped him was inspiring. i don’t remember if Jackson got nominated for an Oscar for this role, but he sure should’ve ahead of Waltz, in my blog.
Kentucky Fried Johnson
i’m not ignoring the women. Hell, you know me and if you don’t i’m the one who bought you that drink just before he threw up on your shoes that one time, i’m all about giving the women their credit. The only problem with that here is that there weren’t a whole lot of women in slave times. The ladies in this movie do the part justice, but don’t have very meaty characters to flesh out. A notable exception is Laura Cayouette who is Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, a proper southern lady. Cayoutte give us lots to smile about with her tongue in cheeky portrayal.
“I’m so gonna nail this babe!”
Tarantino has a gift and he’s giving it to us hard here, pushing it all the way home. He has a feeling for film that goes deeper than any other director and can reach places no one else can. You will laugh out loud, you will turn your head in disgust, you will lean on the edge of your seat and your eyes will be angry that they can’t look everywhere at the same time. Your muscles will clench your hands will sweat and you will hold your breath for two hours while your mad eyes burn from not blinking.
Some people are gonna wanna tell you this is too violent but that’s a load of horseshit because it’s true. This is Tarantino for fuck’s sake. Do people complain about the nudity in porn? The swearing in rap? The fat in Denny’s meat? Of course they do, but the fuckers that do need to be taken out back and shot because porn, Tarantino and Denny’s meat fulfill their higher purpose and answer the call with no hangups. “If you don’t like the shit, climb out of the outhouse,” my Grandpa used to say (or would’ve if he was as fucked up as me).
It’s Hammer Time!
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
The funny thing is, i was sure there were a couple nude scenes in Django Unchained, but then when i look back at my notes (during movies i take notes like a teenager in sex ed) i can’t find any reference to nudity. And i’m the kinda guy that would reference that. So i brought this down from 3 Shots to 2.
Sex Ed, Lesson 1: You have to take off your clothes first.
Here’s the only shit i wrote down about the sex in Django Unchained:
Underside of JF’s [Jamie Foxx’s] balls as he hangs upside down.
Still, even if there’s a shortage of naked in Django, there’s no shortage of talent…or beauty.
My first piece of evidence is Kerry Washington, who plays Broomhilda just right.
Kerry Washington Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
As with most of the actresses i’ll exposé here, there’s some single shots of Kerry all the way down at the bottom if you scroll to the part where it says “Al K Hall’s Drawers”.
After that, there’s also Nichole Galicia, who is Sheba, Calvin Candie’s (Leonardo DiCaprio) bit of dark chocolate whose job is apparently to sit around the plantation, drink, and look like this.
Nichole Galicia Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Appearing as Candie’s sister, Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, is the lovely and gifted Laura Cayouette. Here’s some of her gifts.
Laura Cayouette Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
And don’t forget Amber Tamblyn as the Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter. And when she looks like this, how could you?
Amber Tamblyn Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Some of the actresses that were in Django Unchained far too briefly for my taste…
Zoë Bell, as “Tracker”, and how sad but cool was it that she wore a bandanna over her face the entire movie?
Zoë Bell in the Bar None
Louise Stratten was a Daughtrey Saloon Girl.
As was Shannon Hazlett, the other Daughtrey Saloon Girl.
Last but not at all least is the adorable Sharon Pierre-Louis who came as Little Jody.
For those of you more interested in Southern Beaus than Southern Belles, we have…
Leonardo DiCaprio…in the Bar None.
Leonardo Dicaprio in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Here’s Mr Beau Django himself, Jamie Foxx.
Jamie Foxx Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s some shots of him at the top of my drawers down below.
Drink: 3 Shots
Booze played a big role in Django Unchained even if it didn’t play that important of one, which is a perfect 3 shot recipe.
Good morning, Innkeeper! Two beers for two weary travelers.
–Dr. King Shultz escorting Django into a saloon [and also the start to the song at the top of this post]
Leo’s [Leonardo DiCaprio] lawyer orders sweet tea & bourbon at bar in house
Champagne on ice in glass ice bucket
Other Mandingo owner orders a tequila after his slave dies
A tall beer for the winning slave Mandingo
Polynesian Pearl, and do not spare the rum.
–DiCaprio [Calvin Candie]
Django Unchained Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Champagne and wine at lunch…
White wine at Candie’s dinner
To Eskimo Joe, or shall we call him the Black Hercules.
Brandy after dinner
Stephen (Samuel L Jackson) drinks brandy while explaining the situation
Rock & Roll: 4½ Shots
And i woulda gone a full 5 shots if the ending hadn’t dragged on a little.
Besides, how have you not stolen / bought / copied / torrented / use netted the soundtrack to Django Unchained yet? It’s not rock and roll but it’s almost better. Tarantino has an incredible ear for this kind of shit because the soundtrack goes everywhere from spaghetti Western guitar shit (Ennio Morricone) to 70’s shit (Jim Croce “I Got A Name” and Richie Havens “Freedom”, unfortunately not on the soundtrack album) to some kickass rap, like the song i put at the top and this one i’mma include right here.
Rick Ross (written by Jamie Foxx) – 100 Black Coffins
Add to this cool ass music the Tarantino action that redefines action the same way God redefined earth when he invented it, and you see why i gave this some bitch so much respect.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Quentin Tarantino
Directed by: Quentin Tarantino
Ah, to be with friends and shoot the breeze.
Kerry Washington – Broomhilda
Nichole Galicia – Sheba
Laura Cayouette – Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly
Amber Tamblyn – Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter
Zoë Bell – Tracker
Louise Stratten – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Shannon Hazlett – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Sharon Pierre-Louis – Little Jody
Jamie Foxx – Django
Christoph Waltz – Dr. King Schultz
Leonardo DiCaprio – Calvin Candie
Samuel L. Jackson – Stephen
Don Johnson – Big Daddy
See it. This is that “Holy Shit” moment you been waiting on for awhile now.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Tilly And The Wall – Pot Kettle Black
[Press ‘Play’ To Get Your Rock Off]
Ramblings: Whip It, Good
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a bunch of cool girls? They hang out in a group and some are cuter than others and they’re less clean than they are cut and sure they talk too loud but they’re rolling the good times and smoking hot. You drink them in and catch one of those forever buzzes you know will never fade until too soon. Because there’s no way you’re ever gonna get any, the pressure’s off so you can just sit back in the good times and let yourself be carried along by their wave while you catch yourself smiling, practically joking, and you can’t even blame it all on the booze. As young as the night, they’re independent like the rock they play nonstop from the juice box and sometimes they try too hard but that’s part of their charm. They don’t swear right, dance badly, and can’t pull off a fist pump but that’s what gives them the luster of Suicide little girls. They’re careless but not because they couldn’t care less, they’re just living for the moment and they want you to come along for the ride. If you’re ever lucky enough to get swept along by a bunch of girls like this, hold your breath and keep your eyes wide shut so you don’t wake up from their dream. Whip It is kind of like that.
Drew Barrymore has concocted a finely brewed movie. Like an indie John Hughes flick (though this isn’t as alternative as it tries to be—let’s call it No Alternative), Whip It is a coming of age movie for the grrrls of today. Strong female roles give the movie the kick of a Mike’s Hard Lemonade six pack drunk straight from the bottle. [A special shout out to Miss Demeanor for her insightful comments about John Hughes.]
Shauna Cross--The Real Life Maggie Mayhem-- Author Of "Derby Girl" And "Whip It"
No, it’s not a perfect movie. Like i just said, it tries too hard to be Juno on keg beer and the soundtrack is just a little too perfect to be anything but market studied. And some of the lines fall as flat as one of those English beers they drink warm for no apparent reason other than to show off how odd they are.
But these little flies in the punch bowl don’t get in the way of a good time. The roller derby names alone are enough reason to see the film. (Bliss Cavendar’s derby name is Babe Ruthless and she skates for a team called The Hurl Scouts. Other skaters are known as Jackie Daniels, Iron Maven, Bloody Holly, Rosa Sparks, Smashley Simpson, Juana Beat’n and Jaba the Slut.) Yeah, the whole Roller Derby thing really worked for me.
Whip It will treat you like good beer: not a lot of sustenance but it’ll get you where you wanna go.
Before things heat up, i gotta card Eulala Scheel who’s only 11. She plays Bliss’s sister, Shania, and is Marcia Gay Harden’s daughter both in the film and real life.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 Shots
i’m being a little generous here because the only sex seen [sick] is in a pool between Bliss ‘Babe Ruthless’ Cavendar (Ellen Page) and her indie rock boyfriend, Oliver (played by real life indie coffee shop troubadour Landon Pigg). Even there, the only sex that’s seen is Ellen Page undressing to her bra and panties underwater.
Still, there’s enough talent in this movie that y’all are gonna hafta sit back and enjoy the ride ’cause i got a pack of sexy to deal with.
Let’s get this derby rolling with Drew Barrymore. Whip It is her first movie as director and she also gave herself a supporting role as Smashley Simpson.
Apparently Drew And Ellen Became Friends
Very Close Friends
Apart from the bra and panties in the pool, we also get Ellen Page (22, playing a 17-year-old) undressing to her bra on the street to switch t-shirts with her boyfriend. Plus, if Ellen Page isn’t just as cute as the dickens i don’t know who is— i wanted to reach out and pinch her little cheeks, especially because she spends most of the movie in shorts.
Ellen Page In The Bar None
Alia Shawkat (20) plays Pash, Bliss’ best friend. There’s a scene of them sleeping in the same bed which gets up my nose because Ellen Page is sleeping with her bra beneath PJ’s and y’all know how that gets my Grey Goose.
Love Those Freckles
Brooke Cavendar, Bliss’ mom, is portrayed by Marcia Gay Harden who looks great at 50.
As for the skaters, Juliette Lewis (36) is Iron Maven. Juliette Lewis is the coolest with no qualifiers because that would diminish her coolness. She. Is. The. Coolest. Apart from Miss Demeanor, obviously, who is the coolest Ever.
Juliette Lewis Rockin' Out
Juliette Lewis REALLY Rockin' Out
Juliette Lewis Slippin' Out
Juliette Lewis Coppin' A Feel From Cate Blanchett
The rest of the skaters…
Rachel Bockheim (31) appears in the movie as Jackie Daniels. She’s also a real life skater for the Grand Raggidy Roller Girls in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and was a technical advisor for the flick.
Rachel Bockheim / Jackie Daniels
Kristen Wiig (36) is Maggie Mayhem:
Ari Graynor (26) as Eva Destruction:
Eve (31) as Rosa Sparks:
And Zoe Bell (31—the Kiwi stuntwoman Tarantino used in Death Proof) as Bloody Holly:
Zoe Bell At The Bar None
And, just in case one or two riot grrls stumbled in here, i’m offering up Andrew Wilson (45) who plays the coach, Razor:
At least in Whip It there’s pitchers of beer being heavily consumed at an after-derby party and one of the skaters in a keg stand (when two people help balance a third doing a headstand on a keg while a fourth partier opens the tap into their mouth–invented by college students who simultaneously reasoned this position would help alcohol reach the brain faster and frightened me for the future of every ‘civilized’ nation).
There’s also Pash, who’s underage, drinking after a game and who chucks her beer as a cop approaches. She gets busted for drinking, a ‘minor’ offense. Earlier, Pash gets so drunk at another party that she has to stop making out with a guy in the shower so Bliss can encourage her to barf by telling her to imagine her parents having sex, down to her dad’s jiggling ball sack.
Oh yeah, also Bliss catches her dad drinking beer and watching a football game in a van. She asks for a beer, he refuses but tells her she can have a sip of his. She distracts him and chugs the beer in under a minute, belching loudly as she clears out.
That, and the Hurl Scouts spend a lot of downtime hanging out in a bar.
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
i already bitched a couple times about how i found this a little too contrived and not enough rock, so i’ll shut up about that.
There is another song i’d like to share with ya’ll, though:
[Press ‘Play’ for Peaches – Boys Wanna Be Her]
Here’s the track listing:
1. Tilly and the Wall – Pot Kettle Black
2. The Ramones – Sheena Is a Punk Rocker
3. Cut Chemist, Hymnal – What’s the Attitude
4. The Breeders – Bang on
5. The Raveonettes – Dead Sound
6. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – Blue Turning Grey
7. Jens Lekman – Your Arms Around Me
8. Gotye – Learnalilgivinanlovin
9. Peaches – Boys Wanna Be Her
10. Dolly Parton – Jolene
11. .38 Special – Caught Up in You
12. Adam Green, Har Mar – Superstar Never My Love
13. Goose – Black Gloves
14. The Ettes – Crown of Age
15. Landon Pigg, Turbo Fruits – High Times
16. Little Joy – Unattainable
17. The Chordettes – Lollipop (Squeak E. Clean & Desert Eagles Remix)